evolution_rebirth


	evolution_rebirth
Twitch	And it's hitting me. Once again I'm hitting a change. The fifth one this lifetime. The first was that punk/adderall year when I was on the cusp of being a teenager. I developed a passion (skateboarding) and learned that real friends can be made through passions. My entire personality was developed from a Thrasher magazine and I loved it. My days were fueled with dopamine and my crush - Sarah. Then we have that emo/religious painful change immediately following the buildup of my OCD and tolerance to adderall. Not fun. As much as I enjoyed the first change - that's how much this one sucked. After those changes in two consecutive years I coasted for a while. Then in college I discovered "pick up." Really as soon as I read that I needed to change my posture, and not outwardly play into what other people think I was able to meet girls somewhat effectively. But I still didn't love myself - and I had no idea how to act sexually (little did I know that this is one of those places in life where you can make your own rules - your only limited to how much another can follow). Enter the fourth change...A large culmination. Becoming confident in myself, working out my body, my sexuality - becoming sober, becoming financially independent. Learning what love is. So pronounced - so positive (Though not without it's pain and relapses.) And now enter the fifth. I've slacked since then. I'm realigning with what I had during my first change. But now I'm very aware of some key things: 1. I will die. It doesn't have to be scary - this is my go-around as "Ben." I have many things to experience and many things that I've learned the hard way. 2. The chances are slim that "Ben" can successfully use drugs or alcohol. Not worth experimenting - this is a lesson I've learned again and again. Sobriety is a gift. It's on me the type of life I want to experience but if I want long term happiness my best absolute bet is keeping on this path of sobriety. 3. I want to experience a family. I've got a chip on my shoulder from a tough childhood and I want the love and depth that comes with a large family. (10 years I may be pulling my hair out but here's where I am.0 4.) I want to find a good partner. Enough people tell me the headache of being tethered to someone that they regret. Enough people also tell me that there are times in a relationship (with anyone) where you may feel that regret anyway. For this I'll go to my meetings. I'll hit on girls again - and I won't take things so seriously because I'm leaving this life eventually (with or without kids, sober or high, with a partner or without one.)	200113
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unhinged	the voice inside that spouts inferiority is not me...it is a voice born of circumstance and neurochemistry. with the help of some dopamine bean (my ultra_mood_boosting_coffee ) i have mostly turned that voice off. being laid off from my toxic job will help me enable a more right_livelihood and this is exactly what i need	200113
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daf	There are quite a few of you who will be confused about some of my new posts. There are others who have been confused about my actions for the last 10 years or so. If so, this is where I try to clear that up. About 17 years ago, a series of events and decisions led to some major realizations. Some of you know how much I like collecting random information in my head..well I've always been like that and this time it led me down a rabbit hole. Without intention, I arrived at a scary but wonderful place: knowing what I truly am and BEING that. No sense of "me." Just being there. What was wonderful? So many hardly believable things. There was no pain at all. No worry. The color of everything was brilliant, the reds and bright greens almost glowing. Every living thing was detectable within about 100 ft..even through walls. Everything around me seemed to have a humming vibration coming from it. The sense of being a part of everything around me was so strong that it was sort of like being a Playdoh person in a Playdoh world; when I walked, my feet seemed to meld with the ground and my shoes and clothes were simply a part of me. Every person I saw had the same being's eyes looking out through them, and if I'd looked in a mirror, I probably would've seen those same eyes looking out from my own face. That was the wonderful part. And boy, if things were as easy as finding paradise and staying there, you probably wouldn't be seeing this. I'd probably still be in that state. But see, self realisation has its pitfalls and that's the scary part. After about 6 hours of pure heaven, my sense of "I" started fighting back. See..it thought I tried to kill it (even though its just a thought process, not a real person.) Next thing I know, its got me back to smoking cigarettes, weed, drinking. All to get as far away from that place as possible. It took me years to calm the ego back down. It dragged me through the mud along the way. There are so many tragic, self destructive things it tried to keep me from ever going to that place again. Its not like people think, this spiritual awakening stuff. You don't want to go into it unprepared. My mistake. So here we are..17 years later and all of this avoidance has not been good for me or any of the people around me..especially the beautiful woman I've been with for 12 of those years. And now its time to end the tailspin and the wrestling match. Its time to do what I knew I was supposed to do back then: share what was learned, dispel the myths about religion and live my life in a way that brings honor to the gifts I was given that day. To that end, I've started a group. Ill be posting what I've learned answering questions and discussing these concepts. I'd prefer to save debate for my main page here or another group please. And finally, thanks to all of you who know me and are willing to stick around as I go through this. Truly you are my real friends. Thank you. see also: we_are_all_children_of_the_universe	200114
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daf	Make that: we're_all_children_of_the_universe	200114
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daf	Make that: we're_all_children_of_the_universe	200114
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Twitch	And after all this - the only thing that I can notice again and again is that I used "your" instead of "you're." Once on blather always on blather - "Stupid, stupid, stupid." lol	200115