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endless_needs_advice
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endless desire
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im sorry to waste blue space with my ramblings but i really didn't know where to ask. well here's the story. there's this boy, you see (it's always that way, isn't it?) and we've been really good friends (maybe even best friends) for several years. there's always been this hidden desire to be more than just friends that ive ignored for sometime, but recently the issue came up quite a lot. and then finally, out of the blue after two years of nothing, we kissed last week. and i enjoyed myself. so we met again. only this time...well i had no idea how complicated relationships with friends can be. {it was just so dull.} the kissing that is. there was no passion...i mean, maybe there was for him, but i felt so lifeless. i found myself opening my eyes looking for anything to hold my attention to. i longed for boring book or lame television program--anything else. don't get me wrong...i did have a fun time tonight. but i had a fun time when we were laughing and joking and messing around. and i like the way he holds me. but when it comes to the intimate and passionate things, the sparks aren't flying and everything is lacking. and now i feel strangely cheap (dont ask me why) and quite down. i feel like taking a really long shower and brush my teeth a million times over.
the real conflict is, i need something to keep me going. days are really hard, and the past week or so, ive had such a good time. i mean, we haven't quite started dating...we say we are 'preoccupied' with one another, for lack of a better term. but the thing is, this past week has gone by so much more quickly because i have someone to call and someone to look forward to seeing. it seems so simple and clean cut--we shouldn't see each other. im just not attracted to him. i love the hugs and warmth, but to become attached as in think of a future relationship is pointless, isn't it? i feel like i would just be using him as a reason to get out of bed in the morning instead of a boyfriend.
the worst part is, i feel like ive lost something between us now that things were more physical. there's just all these weird lines you cross when you go from friends to more than that. and im just scared ive ruined part of our friendship because it will always be tainted with fogging up the windows in some cliche teenage deal in the backseat.
and now i dont even know what to do. because he expects us to continue meeting...and he had this boyish grin on his face and had such a lovely time. how am i suppose to be honest to that? i figured much of the blather world has advice or past experience to pass down to a distressed 16 year old blatherskite :)
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040518
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Dosquatch
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BTDT advice from the other side of this equation:
If you don't feel it, he already knows. If this is something he really wants, he'll lie to himself, he'll tell himself every comforting thing that comes to his mind, trying to convince himself that it really could be there, if only he were a little more this or a little less that, if only he could be exactly what you need, if only you'd love him back.
If only...
If this really isn't there for you, you have to tell him. Have to. Now. The longer you put it off, the more it's going to hurt him.
And don't think it's not going to hurt him. "If only" killed me. It'll kill him, too. Having this yanked away is going to shred his soul, more than just losing a girlfriend, but he's going to lose a much needed friend's shoulder at the same time. Double whammys suck rocks.
Don't expect that you can just go back to being friends. You're both going to be wounded, you're both going to need time to heal. You might be able to keep the friendship, but you have to wait until the healing is over, and you're going to have to put it back together as if from scratch. The friendship will never, ever be the same again. That's not to say it won't be as good or as close, but it will be different. You'll always have what you couldn't have hanging around, and even though neither of you will ever mention it, you'll both feel it every time you're around each other.
Now, for the nickel's worth of free advice - if there is any chance here whatsoever, you owe it to yourself to give it a chance. I swear to you, close friends are wonderful, and being in love is wonderful, but there is no treasure that can compare to having your best friend and true love as one and the same. Lust heats the body, love warms the heart, but friendship gets you through the mundane stuff of the day to day.
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040519
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smurfus rex
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word.
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040519
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minnesota_chris
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good advice. Plus, you need a hobby or something. Are you still collecting Minnesota junk?
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040519
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endless desire
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Dosquatch, thank you so much for what you said. i just needed an opinion from someone totally outside of the situation. maybe what you said wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear, but it was the truth. i just wish there was something i could do to fix things 'storybook ending' style. if only i hadn't let things get so complicated. i mean, how do you tell someone that..well, anyways.
m_c, i love the minnesota stuff you sent. my whole family wears the shirts and sweatshirts and awesome stuff. i have a postcard sitting here, waiting to be sent to you, so i think i'll send it today or tomorrow. im going to minnesota this summer (as well as many other great places) and im crazy excited. how's the weather?
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040519
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justcallmenorz
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okay i definately think you need to talk to him ell. it took me foreveer to find your little site thing. see if you can find a boa for the play thing. anyways back to the issue. i think maybe you guys are trying to force something just to sorta break the sexual tension. i remember you used to tell me everyday "ooh nora _______ and i almost kissed,,, but we didnt" like when you guys hung out and stuff. i think it was inevitable.
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040519
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endless desire
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i just figured that after everything, when we finally got to kiss, it'd be everything i ever dreamed of since we'd waited so long. ech disappointments. i need to talk to him about it, i know, but it's easier said than done.
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040519
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dosquatch
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Gently, please tell him gently.
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040519
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endless desire
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but how? howww? it's so sensitive. i can't even think how to mention it. i can't even think how to say it. when would even be appropriate to tell him? maybe. oh shit. i just dont know.
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040519
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dosquatch
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Gently, honestly, and directly. Try starting with "I don't think this is working for me," and go from there. Face to face is preferable. If you don't think you can get it all out in words, write it into a letter and have him read it in front of you.
And once you do this, resist at all costs any "one last kiss" stuff. That only fuels his hope, and undermines your own needs. Remember that firm and gentle are not mutually exclusive.
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040519
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lilmomma
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d is so right. though i dont think that there is anyway to tell him thats going to make it any better. gently or not its going to hurt. iv made the same mistake before and though my guy and i are still friends, it will never be the same. i love him still and always will but things will never be like they use to be. love and loss, live and learn.
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040520
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minnesota_chris
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I like letters for those awkward talks, it allows you to say everything you want to say, and it's so classy too. And then you can talk afterward if you need to.
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040520
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phil
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hotline
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040521
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