blather
einhander_versus_xevious
Effingham Fish Einhander: released in the United States in 1998 for the PlayStation video game console, made by RPG-giant Square. The game involves a war between the megalopoli of the Moon and what nations of the Earth remain after the Great War half a century ago over the "Holy Land", Gesetz. You, the player, pilot one of the Moon's latest developments: an extremely lethal, one-man fighter nicknamed by Earth's predominately German-speaking forces "Einhander", or "One-hander / One-handed", for it's single manipulator arm, used to grasp gunpods (weapon powerups), numbering 12 in all, from disabled or destroyed enemy vessels, all of which, and the Einhander, itself, of course, are all rendered perfectly using 3-D polygons. The backgrounds are so striking as to almost reverse the "back" in their names, the first level alone featuring a laughing, eerie futuristic billboard advertisement for gas masks and the understated but impressive ruins of the old city punctuated by the exclamation point of an unexploded atomic missile. The gameplay is as with any other shooter -- shoot everything that moves, shoot whatever doesn't move just to be sure, and try not to get hit -- but is spiced by Special Bonuses that reward extra points, rare gunpods, and/or open up secret areas (the aforementioned old city being but one of them), a score multiplier that is increased by destroying multiple enemies in a short time, or in one shot, if you can manage that, and a difficulty level that, even on Easy, borders on the insane; I'm no master at these games, but that I have yet to penetrate the opening scenes of Stage 4 is unusual. It's nonetheless ruthlessly entertaining and addictive; I've rented it numerous times (the copy on my floor even now is several days overdue), but opportunity and means have never intersected at the right time to allow me to buy my own copy, yet. 011211
...
birdmad with a handful of quarters xevious...

god, i loved playing that in the arcades when i was a kid

proof that i'm old anymore, i used to be able to make $2 worth of quarters last 2 hours in the nearby arcade
011211
...
Effingham Fish Short version:

FUCK IT'S GONE IT'S JUST GONE JUST LIKE THAT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Long version:

I had just completed the counterpart to my above description of Einhander. The mouse pointer rested about the blather button while I performed my perfectionistic checking and rechecking of the grammar, spelling, and word choice of the piece, countering Einhander's thought-out story with Xevious' vague menace, polygonal graphics with pixelated blips, and enhanced gameplay with what, honestly, barely rises above Space Invaders, how I first came to know of it in my childhood and recently rediscovered it, clashing aged simplicity with youthful extravagance in the same uncharacteristic pretentiousness that lives on here. It had taken quite a while to finish, and, if you'll pardon me tooting my own horn and even if you won't, I was quite proud of it. I had just completed by double-check and was reaching for the mouse button while mentally working out a rough draft of how to finish up this comparison when the power suddenly and unexplainably hiccoughed. The computer went dead before my eyes, taking with it my seconds-ago perfected sequel, then immediately spun on it's heel and restarted. I spent the memory check and boot-up process storming about the empty house, silently fuming, knowing full well that the moment was gone, that I would never be able to recreate it (I tried, of course, but put it out of it's misery after only seven words). The gods have played a merry joke on me, today, no doubt about it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
011211