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unhinged
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i had not been to bed and the twittering of the birds in the dead trees sound more a live and more frightening. not much else was moving. it was cold and damp. the smoke from my cigarette hung in the air oddly. i like the way the world looks when i haven't slept.
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there are more cars on the road now then there were when i was sitting out here three hours ago. the frost is turning to slickness from my feet, the cars. anything soft seems too inviting. everyone is an asshole when i haven't slept.
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so this is the reality that science can't measure. i was all caught up in scientism at one point in my life. you know that you spent some absurd amount like 75% of all the money you ever spend on healthcare in the last six weeks of your life. just so you can stay alive another measly six weeks, laid up in a bed, barely breathing, peeing through a tube. sounds like fun to me.
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every cigarette i smoke is like pulling the plug, writing dnr on my own death certificate. i don't want to end up like my grandma. she didn't want to end up like that either, but the rest of them around her couldn't let her go.
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sometimes sleepless reality scares me and i find a bed and don't wake up for days.
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020828
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