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holding_out_for_hope
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unhinged
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scattered
my heart
my mind
my goodness
we were off and on so often
that i suppose there is still a part of me
waiting for you
distanced
snuffed_out
but_still
everytime i talk to you i am reduced to tears
i feel like i can't breathe
i am not comfortable in my skin
( echoing_thought )
i grab at the collar of my shirt
pulling
my heart like loosened parts of an iceberg
these words seem trite
i feel like a fucking idiot
broken
i don't know how to tell you
you made me this way
that's why i don't call
and_yet
everytime i talk to you i am reduced to tears
i realized this morning
that it is the hope left in me
tears
that i will always hope for it, you to turn around
realize what i had for you that i couldn't say
that by being there
ooh bah
i feel like a fucking idiot
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unhinged
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(i'm done hoping for you to choose better
i'm done hoping that you'll notice me
i'm done hoping that you'll treat me better
i'm done)
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110328
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h|s|g
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hahhhaaaa
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110328
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unhinged
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glad someone can laugh at the situation
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110329
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ɥ|s|ƃ
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i'm laughing at mime_situation not_yours
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110330
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blown cherry
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right there with ya unhinged
xx
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daf
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(Meanwhile some good-hearted but not quite so elusive or attractive brother has been crying the same tears over you, no doubt..)
I saw a horse in a pasture and it was so gorgeous an animal that I wanted to be near it and enjoy its quiet company, so I walked toward it and was promptly ZAPPED by the electric fence surrounding it.
Well that shit hurt. So I resolved not to make that mistake again and walked away.
A little while later, I saw another, similar in magnificence. I knew it would be different this time. How many horses have electric fences around them?
I was right. There was no electric fence. It was razorwire.
I cried and I cried from the pain..and I screamed with rage my foolishness, and the callousness of the person who had put up the fence.
Two times two times two times or more did this happen to me. And the pain was almost unbearable, and I thought "I will never touch the nose of, let alone ride such an animal." And so I gave up looking.
Now first off, before I explain what happened after that, I'll answer the question: How do pain, betrayal and loneliness make any sense in a reasonable universe? (In the hopes that it might provide comfort or perspective.)
You know as well as anyone that we're all on a journey. The world around us tries to gently scooch our little butts back onto the path when we start off-roading. But being the stubborn, little creatures of habit that we are..we ignore the coaxings and gentle proddings in favor of our OWN notions of what is good and right for us.
And so it starts bitch slapping us. Hey..better to flying tackle the shit out of your brother, than to let him get hit by the train simply because he won't listen to your warning.
And it is non-stop bitch-slapping until we either figure it out and get back on our path...or until we are dead. Meanwhile..all along the way we are fucking things up by not being where we're supposed to be when we're supposed to be there. (After which, of course, we point the finger of blame directly at everywhere else.)
Don't we know how beautiful we are to the world? (It's children among others.)
And the world knows something:
In this world
when something beautiful takes hold
all of the souls lost in darkness
are drawn to its light
as all living things
are drawn to what they require.
But their habit is consumption 'til exhaustion
they know no other.
And so these must be kept gently
at a distance
until they have learned
the art of reciprocation
learned to nurture that
which nurtures them.
If the world stopped protecting
it's children in this manner
it would bring on
the extinction of all that is beautiful.
(You're picking them too green, do0d. In fact, stop picking...you suck at it. The universe has got your back.)
Anyhoo..my horse story ends pretty typically:
I stopped looking for horses, thinking about horses or even watching old westerns and did my thing instead.
One day I was writing..and I felt something nuzzle my arm. This time there was no risk of running into pain.
This time..it had come to me.
Sorry to hear you're still kicking your own ass darlin.
love,
-
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110330
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unhinged
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(i didn't pick this one; the universe did. quite literally. when i met him i was with someone else so things trailed off typically, but a few months later we ran into each other on a bus i usually do not ride)
i figured as much hsg. i'm just touchy these days.
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daf
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Maybe the universe wanted you to start a business with him...duh. It doesn't always have to be lip-related just because you find the person attractive.
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unhinged
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you don't know what you're talking about on this one. many details i can't share. the universe did not want me to start a business with him considering the legal repercussions of that.
but you know, whatever. you are always right and always know what you are talking about. especially since you've been around here for the past year. once again, you telling me how stupid i am isn't helping me get rid of my bad patterns.
i already felt stupid enough in this matter by the way
loneliness broke me down
there was something more to how i felt about this guy
so i didn't want to be alone anymore
and i made bad choices
fucking sue me
i am not in need of unsolicited advice or opinions right now
i am well aware of the big patterns in my life
most of which are not good
but i am fucking human
so leave it alone
leave me alone
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dafremen
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Just playing with the words again, sheesh. Lighten up! (Lol..irony : ) )
(Maybe if you kissed the stars tonight just after the claire de lune has passed...they miss you to death, you know.)
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unhinged
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i give_up on hope
i give_up on fear
i dont stick around for people that treat me like shit anymore.
you are allowed to change your mind. so am i. you are allowed to be selfish. so am i. i am not interested in watching you beat your head againstthe wall. i have better things to do and no one else to do them for me.
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