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perfectly_chaotic
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I hate it. To me it is no better than any other sex. It is not some patch you can use to make everything else that happens okay. Also, sometimes I wonder if the only time you get off is when we fight first. Maybe all of the fights are just your twisted form of foreplay. You did not do anything. You have not mistreated me. I do not want to fight about how you think you are always doing me wrong, have done me wrong(by always expressing how you have always done me wrong in the past), even though there is nothing you have done. No, you are not walking on thin ice. No, I will not punish you. No, I will not hit you, why in the world would you think I would or ask me to. Okay, now you did do something wrong. You need to stop screaming at me and asking what you would have to do to get me to hit you. It was screwed up when you started hitting yourself and I had to restrain you, but it only hurts me emotionally because I hate that you feel so down, and plus I don't want you getting down on yourself later about having done it like you did when you would cut yourself. It was screwed up when you took a swing at me when I told you to try to recognize your thoughts as thoughts and emotions as emotions and that they would eventually pass(which you acknowledge more often that not). That was a first. It was screwed up when you tried to asphyxiate yourself with your belt in my room when I was not looking. Another first. Sorry I started screaming at you after removing your belt from your possession, but I was having a hard time remaining calm at this time. Still, I vehemently refuse to ever hit a woman. My grandfather almost killed a man once for doing that, God rest his soul, I just don't have it in me. You finally say "I think we should have sex now," with your face covered in tears. Sorry, I do not think sad is sexy. Let's just go to sleep. Awhile later you are hugging me, kissing me and then rubbing on me. I give in, but as I said before it does not patch things. The next day you ask me what was wrong, why I seemed cold and looked down. We were actually able to talk about it without you freaking out. You asked how you could make it better. Made sure to tell you sex is not a freaking Band-Aid. Said I felt better after just talking about it, and I did mostly, even after a slew of nightmares about you. The sex that morning was somewhat better. But overall, I find makeup sex a very unsatisfying experience. I am much more turned on by having a good time with someone and having it naturally progress towards sex without having a big conflict in between. Makeup sex is not worth all of the anxiety to me. I wish you would stop starting fights with me all of the time. It leaves me bitter, somewhat resentful and drained. It makes me not want to see you in an intimate setting realizing that means we will not be having sex very often then. However, I am just unsure it is worth all the heartache. I know I have been rambling quite awhile. Yet I really do not feel I can express all of these ideas with you yet. Having difficult discussions with you has been getting easier since you have been on the meds a couple of months, but you still need to work on yourself more and I am still afraid of triggering another episode with you by being too honest at the wrong time. You even expressed to me that you were afraid that this is how things are and that I am holding back and agree that my reasoning is not wrong in that, when you have an episode, you fish for reasons from me to justify you calling yourself a piece of crap. I will tell you this at some point, but you are going to have to prove to me first that you are ready to start hearing the hard stuff. Our conversation today, uncomfy as it was, has shown a lot about how much you have grown recently. You do recognize when you are having an episode much better and faster than before. They are not lasting as long or happening as frequently. When you finally said today that you are going to therapy and taking your meds partly for me and partly for yourself I almost cried a tear of joy. Not even a month ago it was "I am only doing this for you," nothing is helping, I am not ever going to get any better. That you even have a thought at all about your own well being for your own sake makes me hope. Damn it, I am such a fool, I keep hoping for stuff and such, but at least I realize I am an idiot.
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150202
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