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four_seasons
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tail-devouring snake
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the pond is frozen every morning and rarely thaws, although the little birds still hang out in the surrounding bushes and fly to hiding places whenever I open or close the back door. desert in winter is sunny and cool.
meanwhile, inside, my body is warm. i wake up in the night to lower the heating. hot showers make me lightheaded. stuffy air makes me gag. i enjoy ice-water.
my days are a cycle of bodily ailments and returning to balance. my nights are vivid dreams, full of people and events, often nightmares. days i am mostly calm, or crying because i feel so bad, or laughing uproariously. night or day finds me eating, snacking, chewing. my body has adjusted to eating every few hours, although it still feels unnatural to wake up at intervals during the night to eat apple slices and crackers. my body is host to life. my pants don't fit, at all. if i don't shower/bathe, talk to a friend or family member every day, i feel lost to myself. i pray every day, asking for help, thankful for this life. i often feel like i'm making this all up, that i'm really just fat. i often wish this wasn't happening, i'm not ready. i don't truly think i could ever have been ready though. sensations, physical discomfort, vomiting, day after day for almost 3 months now, has allowed me to break through to being present with more than i could before. i do distract myself, for short periods of time, with fiction or games, but there is always the return to my immediate physical state. i miss the perfect community container that i don't have right now. i want to be surrounded by loved ones- just being with others is so grounding. i miss the parents i don't have, the ones who are excited for me and share love. i hold this missing and show up for myself with love, for this baby with kindness, for my body ailments with compassion, for my husband with gratitude. i could not do this sanely without him. our love child grows inside me and within the container of our relationship.
i eat, sleep, vomit, feel feelings. somewhere in there i slowly take care of bills, work, household chores. once in a while i feel up for a walk in nature.
winter in the desert means a turquoise sky every night at sunset. snow on the mountains.
pregnant in winter means nothing i can quantify. this miracle of everyday life.
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tail-devouring snake
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this cycle started in the summer. we did some healing work which pointed to how sick we were in our bodies. we immediately ate clean for a month, quit alcohol, and passed on that wild nevada-desert mayhem. we found our grooves, job and school, although i would find myself weeping in agony, crying at the emptiness not being a mother left me with. but we both agreed it wasn't time.
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tail-devouring snake
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in the fall we celebrated his birthday with a day trip to japanese-style hot springs spa. we soaked, ate, sunbathed, chatted, got massaged, celebrated our life together in this desert. we celebrated the next day too when he returned from school. soon after this, i started to feel happier, more relaxed, less sad about not knowing my children yet. lying in bed one night, i felt a presence, and it was the messenger angel, who sang a beautiful song to me that i couldn't understand. part of me got the message , but i just shrugged it off. this was followed by meat cravings, crankiness, tiredness, and waiting for the regular cycle i was accustomed to. both of us agreed i wasn't pregnant, but i finally got up the nerve to buy a test, and then my life change.
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oaktown gangsta
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love
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141229
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tail-devouring snake
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the winds blow, and the seasons mix with the changing climates of the earth. the heat of summer followed by the coldest midwinter snap followed by spring winds. in all of this, my body. sensations. pain. discomfort. winds rattling the window frames. snow falling all night. sunburns. not being lost in sensation. being lost in no control. heavy with baby, heavy with tired. dry and wet. stuffy and cold.
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tail-devouring snake
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I dreamed of a four season donut: a quarter each of chocolate, coconut, crumble, and glaze. I had eaten most of 3 sections.
3rd trimester underway, with donut dreams.
(chocolate was the best tasting.)
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tail-devouring snake
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Spring is windy, sunny, warm. I awaken at 5am to sip water, eat food, often vomit food (still now in the 7th month), text with other early riser friends, and go back to sleep. The birds chirp maniacally starting at 6am. Most of the trees have budded leaves. Our pond remains unloved by our efforts. Our home is being sorted, step-by-step, into making it a home for 3. I am tired. Often happy. Often lonely. Often swept up in moments by sorrow or joy. I'm not ready. I'm ready to be done with being pregnant. My body looks like the fecundity of the earth, curvy and full. I am impatient. I want the next stage to come now. I want this all to have never happened. I could never live without this child in my life. I am impacted. I am angry in my dreams, shouting, livid, irrational. I am hungry for red meat most days now. I am primal and physical all the time.
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tail-devouring snake
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She moves within me, responding to my thoughts and words. I tell her she is loved, she is perfect.
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tail-devouring snake
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time only moves forward. no take-backs.
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150418
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tail-devouring snake
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The pond has a new liner, got refilled, and plants are growing heartily. The front yard's bushes all bloomed various color flowers. Evenings bring thunder and hail storms. Summer. I sweat at night, ceiling fan taking the edge off. I sweat from the heat of the air, the heat of her little body sleeping on my chest, the shift of my hormones as i fully transition out of pregnancy. She looks just like him. I coo to her and tell her all her blessings as we hide from the midday sun. I drink water thirstily as she drinks from me. A dove has built a nest in the plum tree.
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