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jane
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...............................2:44 a.m.
to my father
i'm human. i'm real. & i'm not adam, but he's real too. we're not just some toys you assemble & then dissemble when you're finished playing with us.
so i don't know what love is because maybe i'm not old enough &/or wise enough. but i do see you in a very different light & you should see me in a very different light. if you want me to be a true part of your life, you’re going to have to see me as who i am & not who you want me to be. because i’ve done my best to do that for you.
i am still hurt by what you said to me that day; i didn’t take it lightly. i am still hurt by what you put me through as a child, & i’m still learning how to forgive you for that & stop feeling so guilty all the time for being who i am. i don’t want to have to do that anymore. i don’t need you to like me. i don’t need for you to love me. but i don’t think you know what love is either, because if you did you would see me as something more than an extension of yourself of someone to bring to a party. i am not going to let you make me into what every woman in your life has been, which is your accessory. there is a world, a reality, outside the one in your head. you can choose to live in your subjective reality all you want, but i’m not going to anymore.
so hopefully you can understand why i don’t trust you; why i haven’t been able to for a long time now. & despite what you say, it’s been longer than when mom left. i haven’t been able to trust you since i found out how you deluded yourself into living in a dishonest world. & if it’s one thing i strive for, have always strived for, it’s living a true & unforgivingly honest existence. so you can understand why i can’t trust you. because if i care about somebody, i’m going to want to share my entire honest self. with you, whenever i tried to do that, i felt criticized & defensive. of course, you would say that was my choice. but there are a lot of things i could say to you, dad, & i wouldn’t expect them not to hurt you—but hey, it’s your choice.
so i’m not coming home for thanksgiving & i’m not coming to nana’s in december. hopefully this will represent accurately how hurt i have been. i’m working on it. i don’t think it would be a good idea, considering the last time i saw you i couldn’t stop throwing up, & the week after you left, i was bed-ridden & almost went to the hospital. i went to 2 doctors, one nyu urgent care & one gastroenterologist, still don’t know what’s wrong with me. i feel better most days, but there are some days even the meds can’t help. those days haunt me with my own incapabilities—that’s your voice in my head. i may be choosing to feel hurt, but you chose to be the authoritative figure in my life, the dominant one under whom i felt powerless; you even had me playing your games. before i can even begin to trust you, you’re going to need to get your priorities set.
stop trying to instill your values in me—i am old enough now to have gathered & manifested my own.
lauren
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040928
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