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the_art_of_distressing_wood
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Doar
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for any project. here is a list of ideas.
1. beat the wood (preferably a species of softwood) with a small diameter chain....probably in a sheltered enclosure (if you are worried about the neighbors gossip).
2. Drag the wood behind your vehicle as you drive down;
a.) a gravel road
b.) an asphalt road
3. Tie the piece of wood to a tree in a known bear territory and wait for mauling to commence. Albeit you might have to "bait" the wood with a bacon scent or alternative solution. "Baiting" might be questionable, depending on your locality. Be sure to know the rules of "baiting" before you decide this as a distressing experiment. Very important.
4. Again, using tools, beat the piece of wood with a frozen piece of bacon, preferably a thick cut of bacon, as it retains more flavour and rigidity as you gently beat the wood. Having said that, you should always determine the value of the wood to the bacon strip. Should you have any doubts what-so-ever about using bacon, you should immediately stop if you are not ready to submit your piece of bacon to the ultimate sacrifice. (Please note that this is just a suggestion of distressing wood and not to make a valuable piece of bacon suffer for your own need of expressing yourself).
5.) Make the piece of wood hate itself masochistic. Thereby you have removed yourself from the wood distressing altogether and making the wood itself responsible for the end result of being aesthitically artistic. Thereby both you and the wood are happy with the end result. You are happy with the beaten wood and the wood is happy with being scarred for life.
6.) Wood is versatile, so are you, so beat/abraid/indent/abuse your wood in a respectful manner. Don't take distressing your wood as an unloving endeavour. Talk with your wood, discover whether is would like to be distressed and more importantly discover your wood's feelings, especially if you are dealing with a "softwood" or a "hardwood".
This has been another informational session with Home and Garden TV.
Enjoy beating your wood!
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Disclaimer
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These are only suggestions for making your wood pleasing and pleased.
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rhin
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...and speaking of woodochistic ventures, you totally forgot about the cheese wheel/trebuchet. i am also not teasing about the bear option. i am all for the wood being grizzled. ;)
p.s. i claim invention rights to all above wood distressing options and trademark rights to the word 'grizzled' in reference to wood distressing. ;)
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Doar
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Damn...I have forgotten wood distressing options.
I will distress my wood for my own pleasure, as "Cheese Wheels" and all the variants of that clause, escaped me at the time writing.
All copyrights shall belong to Rhin.
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:)
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Doar
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dammit....trebuchet cheese aerial combat....fuck....
my cheese has been flung at wood with sad outcomes.
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rhin
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what wood are we talking about? ;) be nice to yourself babe.
we'll share it sweetie.
you probably think that i am teasing about tossing the wood out of the window of a moving vehicle, but i couldn't be more serious. we will probably be laughing so hard that we will lose the wood. ah! we'll put a tracker on each piece! Lol
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Doar
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"grizzled" and "wood", make me uncomfortable. "Old cheese" also makes me unsettled. Anything "grizzled" or "old" in a sentence or spoken word is a reminder of "old cheese" "thrown" and become "grizzled" (with bacon of course).
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rhin
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but without bacon, said Doar never.
;) love you.
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Doar
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a "wood" is nothing more than a pressing of time. A growing, if you wood (OMB).
My wood is distressed enough that antiques dealers wood bid on my wood for their possesion. Albeit my wood is distressed without having been through a technique unique as tossing my "wood" out of a moving vehicle. This reminds me of some news article.
Wood in it's rarest form is beautiful and should be treated as such.
Wood, in all it's variations of colour, grain, ability to withstand pressure. It's rigidity in every environment should be admired.
Wood, when you want it, it will be here.
or
Wood, you know you like it.
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Doar
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"Wood, is smooth going down."
"Wood makes your world worth it."
"Wood will be your friend always."
.etc.
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rhin
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baby, i like it.
i am getting into my car now. i will see you in 3 days Lol
you know...subconsiously, this entire discussion regarding Woodology is in fact one of our classic substitution-but-clearly-denial-over-geography-separation talks.
love you and your distressed wood.
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rhin
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topic response time has now expired and is now closed from further comment.
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Doar
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I love the thought of a 3-day journey to see each other (and you know how I feel about your safety),
Don't worry about the wood I have or how it might be a "mahogany distressed finish".
My wood is only meant for your exquisite palate.
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