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They call me truth
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I don't believe in certain things anymore. I would like to give you a chance to undastand this and if you are okay with that, i would love to take back my statement of not wanting to be "friends" anymore.
I do want to be your friends i really do. i really really do.
I just don't want you to have to put up with things that you don't believe in. I don't want you to feel obligated to do things because i have decided to change on you.
I know for a fact you wont see it this way. I know that you guys are amazing and this was never a question of if you guyz were. i know you are.
So here is my best try at explaining things to you. here is my best try at trying to tell you how i feel.
i don't believe in obligation. i haven't for a while. And friendships the way they are now, are full of them. I don't think it is helping me to be a part of something i don't believe in. J, (you know who you are) when you said the things that you said to me in the living room, it made me feel guilty. I don't believe in guilt anymore and I don't believe that I should try to guilt people. I am not saying that that was what you were doing. I love you but I realize that I feel that after all that I have put up with with you , that you MUST give me a break and work with me the way i work with you. I have always tried to be there when you wanted to talk despite how I feel and i thought you should do the same. See that. i want to use that to force you into what "I" think a good friend is. I wanted to pull out every time that i tried to talk to you and you went off on me, and I understood and gave you a chance, on the table so that i could guilt you into doing things MY way.
And though we try to be understanding we always hold things (at least I know i do to be honest) against the person and we always remember the time when we did something noble or when someone else did something we didn't agree with. And so there is all these rules and all these things that we do to control people, to make them understand to make them grovel and feel like they aren't good enough. that they are the most horrible people in the world for making mistakes or being selfish.
I don't think we understand who we are. i don't think we can, cause we are too busy trying to make people fit us and trying to fit other people. we are too busy makng demands and trying to prove that we are right and the other person is wrong. our egos are too big. We are too busy trying to pin our hurt on everybody else instead of dealing with it and understanding that we don't need to make people accomodate things that we know are our problems and insecurities (I am not saying is wrong for people to help)
Me and Tez got back together last year for about two or three days. And immediately as we got back got together we both started making demands of what not to do. I couldn't go by Deyja, even though we was just tight and nothing was going on. And I tried to force her not to talk to certain people and entertain certain comments from dudes. And these may seem like things that people should do for eachother but i called it off because it didn't feel right. I know that these things were my insecurities and I was thinking why should I try to restrict her to ease my mind. i was also thinking why should I have to change my habits to accomodate someone who i have never given a reason to distrust me. But I knew that I would probably feel the same in that situation.
I have been on this edge for a while and it goes a lot deeper than this too. I have feelings and thoughts that i feel i must hide and conceal to the people I love. I feel like I have to prove my love and who i am and what i have to offer and that i am fine. I feel i have to force myself to love myself because of all the negativity.
i didn't want to put a burden on anyone and i didn't want to feel burdened either but this is what is expected from friends and i started to question why it had to be that way. I've been taught that this is the "right" way to be but it seems like it causes more turmoil inside of me than anything else. i feel trapped and isolated. I feel restricted and unfree and i don't think that is what love is and so i think that you don't deserve to be loved this way.
I want to be able to be okay when someone loses it on me and i would not have any resentment and i won't feel the need to throw the "good friend" card in their face. i want to be able to love someone and let them go when they need to go and stop tripping about whether or not it is fair to me. i want to free people and be free and see if we can still love eachother while we love ourselves. i want to know what it feels like to feel secure and have my security not depend on other people actions. i want to have faith in people's love and not in titles like friend and wife. I don't think anyone should be bound to these things. They should be free to change their minds without having to feel guilty. i believe that is the way God is with us and i wish we could be that way with eachother. So people can do what they really want to do because they want to do it. So that J can lose her mind and threaten to sock me in the face and I would be fine when she returns, no apologies neccessary. So that Tez can leave me for whatever reason and i will be okay and secure in myself.
Why can't it be that way. Why can't it be that way for me and Zay, for me and J, for me and my future wife.
If you don't understand this, i tried. And if you don't accept this, it is okay. And if you want to hate me and judge me and say that i am wrong, then it is good practice for me to learn to live with ridicule and rejection.
I love you guyz so much. i hope you understand.
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070130
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