|
ledax
|
I was rearranging some boxes, making room for visitors in my office, when I touched the long lost box again. I thought perhaps I could take out just one journal and read just one page. An interesting exercise. Not a black hole. Maybe.
I bent over, opened the lid, and selected the journal I knew I would select from the moment I had this idea.
I paused for a moment. Directly in front of me, there was a full length mirror. I regarded myself, with the intention of reminding myself that I am me now, and not me then. I was surprised to find myself just as I was. I looked like an adult. A responsible adult in their 30's... who would perhaps appear slightly out of place in the fields of the midwest, but in this environment, entirely respectable.
I felt curiously proud of myself. Mostly confident, yet still a little worried about getting too caught up. I had a lot on my agenda for the day, and getting derailed was not an option.
I read one page. It was no surprise. I was sad for my former self. Ok. I flipped through a few more, hoping for something more interesting. There was some eyerolling and sighing, but also compassion.
I landed on some words. I wanted him to push me away once and for all. Eventually he did, and it was the best thing that could have happened, maybe. It was excruciating. But everything was excruciating then.
I moved on.
Later in the day I was thinking about my reaction to initial confessions of love. I am lucky in that I've had many opportunities to experience my damage in this area, I suppose. Where I come from, love=chains. You fall in love, and then you have to endure whatever treatment you receive from the other person.
I've spent my whole life unlearning this lesson. I've spent years figuring out how to know when to stay and when to go.
As I get older, I become more cautious. I know it's possible to get sucked into love and stay when I should leave. In fact, it seems probable. But I haven't been in a toxic relationship in years.
Nevertheless, when someone first says, "I love you," my first reaction is to recoil in horror.
|
140605
|
