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magicforest
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If LOTF Were About Teenagers
Warning: Many Stereotypes Have Been Invoked
1. Piggy would be renamed “Fatwad”.
2. Rather than using Fatwad’s glasses to start a fire, the boys would spend an absorbing day setting ants on fire. When they got tired of ants, they would try setting eachother on fire directly.
3. The littluns would be commissioned to fan the biguns during the heat of midday, using palm leaves. They would be renamed as “Cabana Boy 1, Cabana Boy 2, etc.”
4. Because of the lone gender on the island, the boys would all be highly paranoid of anyone acting in any way homosexual. Much like the Salem witch trials, they would persecute anyone who seemed to act homosexual in any shape or form, by turning him into a eunuch. *Note* As our student teacher most kindly pointed out, the act of eunuchifying (yes, I made that word up) would involve an action which may be considered homosexual in itself. Thankfully, teenagers do not follow reason, and they have a surprisingly subtle sense of irony and hypocrisy. So there.
5. Rather than debating about the fire, they would have a lively and animated discussion about the worth of Playstation 2, compared to Nintendo Gamecube, compared to X-Box.
6. When Jack failed to kill the first pig, he would have said, “Man, people who kill pigs are dumb f***s. Like, dontcha got nothing better to do than kill a f**king pig? Christ.”
7. Eight days would be spent attempting to turn saltwater into Molson Canadian.
8. If their hair got long, they would not braid it or tie it back, they would use fruit juice and spike it.
9. Eventually they would neglect the concept of creating a skateboard park using only driftwood, palm leaves, the the bones of some poor Dutch kid they had sacrificed after drinking too much saltwater-beer.
10. When they realized that the littlun with the mulberry birthmark had disappeared, rather than being quiet and disturbed, one of the biguns would start laughing hysterically and then say, “Sh*t, man! Sucks to be that poor b*st*rd!”
11. Simon, Simon, Simon! It wasn’t the beast, it was some bad acid.
12. They would find the Beast, and rather than being frightened, they would tear off the parachute, reshape it, and turn it into an inflatable woman. Then they would fight over her. This would be how Simon lost his life.
13. They would not dance around the fire like savages, they would sort of romp around in a manly way, as though to evoke the sense of, “I am a serious man. This is my fire. I look manly; I take your inflatable woman.”
14. The war paint would not have started out originally as a symbol of strength; after one wild night with the saltwater-beer, Samneric would have awoken painted like female twins. None of the boys care to think about why the twins were painted like women, nor do they care to find out why they feel so oddly satisfied.
15. When the officer mentioned Coral Island, Ralph would have become hysterical. “What?! Dude, I’m gonna get f**king lynched, you dipsh*t! The f**k?! Are you kidding? See that spear? Like five seconds away from being stuck up my motherf***ing A**! What the hell?!”
16. Rather than killing Fatwad, Roger, whose criminal mind would be further developed, would snipe a bunch of littluns, carve out their eyeballs, and wear them on a string around his neck.
17. Fatwad would die during a particularly risky game of Castle Rock rugby.
18. The boys would be self-conscious about defecating near eachother, so they would instead designate various locations as the “Sh*t Pits”. Ralph would receive hearty slaps on the back and amiable shoulder-punches for managing to think up this rhyming designation.
19. The conch would not be used, it would be broken into sharp pieces to use for weapons (nice symbolism) and the pig skull would be used for the ceremonial purposes (nice symbolism).
20. Ralph and Fatwad would not quietly request a sign from the adult world, they would request a sign from the female world.
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031101
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