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dafremen
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Here's a personal insight blathe, (the sort I prefer to avoid, since you never know what's waiting on the other side of sharing your secrets, here on the planet of odd anti-social norms.)
I remember at the age of 5 or 6, sneaking into the house (a very high crime) to grab a rifle. See, apparently it was Mother's Day and I was going to go get a rabbit for Betty, because she was sad. For a moment, despite her abusing us and turning a blind eye to it, I must've sat in her place and felt it with her. Wouldn't know for sure, because the beating that came when they found me walking around the neighborhood with a rifle, had me blocking the incident out for decades. But I must've sat in her shoes and felt her situation, because that's what I always do and have always done. See I knew the truth about Betty then, just as I do now. Always have. She and I were the same person. Only difference was that she was over there, and I was looking from over here behind these eyes.
That's how I've always seen the world since forever. All of this "you" "me" "them" stuff..never liked it. But you have to adapt to your surroundings if you're going to survive. Decades of being another victim of hopeful naivete has led me to this point: dancing around in a weird play with the other versions of myself as we try desperately not to recognize that we are all one hand, not just a collection of fingers.
Another unfortunate fact of this condition is that I tend to be deeply and directly affected by the unhappiness of others. Doesn't matter who, since it's all US/THIS. It's an annoying instinct that steered me into 18 miserable, heart-scarring years of marriage. It's an Achilles heel that's slowly learned to camouflage itself with preemptive kicks, stubborn mule that I am.
Another habit is using the word "we" in the wrong context. I'm so internally bewildered by the regular pronouns we use like "you" and "them"..that I'll often use "you" too often in the wrong context and create a sense of accusation where there is none. The last thing a guy like me needs is MORE fucking pronoun rules, exceptions and special orders. Nty. Got my hands full as it is with these bizarre societal shenanigans.
(Turns out that "I", which took years to get used to..can be overused and I do that too. It's almost like when a foreigner peppers too many second language swear words into casual conversation in order to try to fit in better.)
This "we" things also gets me in trouble. 90% of the time, people don't seem to mind, because I'm usually doing 90% of the work, so they don't mind taking 50% of the credit. But BOY..don't accidentally flip-flop it!
I remember losing a friend by saying "we" too often in a friendly conversation about his weed strain. It was later that it occurred to me that maybe he thought I was trying to wedge my way into his weed business or something. Nope. I was just comfortable enough that I started slipping and my hopeful, naive ass forgot to use the right pronouns for communication on planet All Strangers Here. "Yours" "Mine" "Theirs" "Ours" My subconscious doesn't see the world that way, regardless of what my mind and experiences incline me to believe. It's been a struggle pretending that I do. Make that a nightmare.
Heard from that friend later. They were band mates at one time. They invited me to come by and I got pretty excited about it, because I never forget good friends and am always touched when they remember me. (That's as close as we get to the real, true state of the world anymore. That and a partner who loves you and doesn't try to squeeze your heart.) So I showed up to see them with some BBQ and sides, but apparently that was too much..or too different..or too.. couldn't tell you. All I know is that there is little to no sanity in this place, and I search for it every day.
A favorite metaphor is of a room full of people walking around with their eyes closed, flailing around as though blind, whacking each other as they stumble around the room swinging their arms.
Well, having spent most of my life patiently being smacked around by people who didn't know any better, or didn't care..it's gotten tiresome. Especially since I could see it from behind THESE eyes..the whole time. All 50 years of it has been insane..for no good reason that's obvious.
And so, when this crazy crap degenerated even FURTHER into folks using their family/friend/neighbor/coworker status as a BLUDGEON to try to shame people in a direction I instinctively find repulsive..
..it was time to start shoving back at the flailing zombie me's who were trying to deny that ol Daf's concern for others even existed. (WTF!? After all of these DECADES of putting up with this selfish, possessive-pronoun-heavy bullshit.. REALLY?! Fat, HARD shove. Go flail somewhere else and stop resembling cancer, please. Thanks.)
Dark energy is a good tool for shoving back. It's bad for the soul, but good for emptying the roster of shallow hangers-on and closet control freaks who prowl for followers and victims on the sly.
But anyhow..
I STILL see the world the same way. Still see myself everywhere, in everyone..and everything. (You'll still hear a crazy old coot talking to and about inanimate objects as though they had personalities and feelings once in awhile.) And maybe that makes me insane. Maybe. But only if we can answer the question:
"When did we stop being the universe?"
With some answer other than.."We didn't."
It's been a long road watching the faces go by that are so familiar, but never seem to recognize me. Along the way, I've had to adopt a lot of these "us/them", "you/me" ways..and some times it feels like I'm being sucked into this mass psychosis of society and I don't want to be.
I was fortunate enough to be neglected into this wonderful way of seeing the world. It's taken everything to hold onto ME in a world that wanted otherwise. So if I lose it some days, hey..
When in batshit crazy, arm-flailing, blind-ass Rome..
And there's your insight..
Good morning.
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220115
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