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TrueMe
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Feeling afraid to post this here. Thinking she'll see it - but it is not for her. It is for me to get out of my head, heart, and body. For me.
Things that hurt right now:
* letting go
* memories of walking in on her with another
* not being followed or cared about in that moment
* feeling her harshness around my pain of this event
* still holding onto old pains
* the thought of losing someone new and special in my life because of this oldness
* job/career/money stress
* wondering if it might be necessary to remove her from my life completely and finally
* sleeping alone when someone amazing wanted to be in my bed just last week
* roommate who isn't talking to me
* changing, healing, and growing relationship with my father
* being ignored by someone I loved, who said she loved me, who said she wanted friendship
* still caring for/loving her even though it's just painful to do so
* wishing things could be different - in any way
* feeling not ready for any relationships right now but wanting them desperately
* knowing I love myself and -still- feel these things
* realizing I am not as grown up and moved on as I had hoped I would be
* memories of intimate connections that amazed me
* wondering if I'll ever achieve that intimacy with someone again
* feeling judged and not understood for who I am today
* old patterns of myself I am ready to be done with
* making this list
* self-sabotage
* being horny and single/celibate
* accepting that I need space right now
* feeling older
* not being able to dance
* knowing my friends love me but not being sure how to ask for support
* feeling lied to or having information withheld
* knowing more than I really wanted to know and caring about it even when it hurts
* seeing her "healed" and "moved on"
* feeling not understood for how painful and difficult this has been for me
* not receiving compassion or softness
* cats that are insane
* parents who want more from me that I am able to give right now
* not knowing what is still needed to heal
* still wanting her sometimes
* knowing that thought is holding me back
* wondering what she'd think of this list and if it would be met with softness and compassion or harshness and judgement
* wanting to have closeness and intimacy with someone particular but not being able to yet or perhaps ever
* feeling stuck and out of my body
* friends who are distant right now
* knowing that I am taking care of myself right now
* feeling impatient
* knowing I have better coping skills
* knowing I will be ok eventually
* fatigue
* overwhelm
* wishing for anything to be different
* knowing that only -I- can change this
These are the things that hurt right now.
This list is for me.
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