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no_matter_how_hard_you_wished
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blueberries
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frAnk watched cowie laying there, her head on amarilla's chest, amarilla running her hand along cowie's brown hair, her mind lost in thought.
memories of happiness returning. the present taking on the blush of the distant past when one day faded into another and the sharp edges of sadness were dulled by embrace and softened by kiss.
it was life as if it was painted. an image hanging on the wall that could be entered. these very moments in the shade of a friendly sun. but, it really wasn't like that, no matter how hard you wished it could be.
there was the reality that amarilla escaped. the obvious fact that her parents would be involved in a search for her. the unavoidable demand of frAnk's work. he was scheduled to do more pruning of the hospital's crabapples that very afternoon.
he knew there was no hope for her at the hands of the system. she would be overmedicated and stuffed away as another failure in a file cabinet. here at the sea, she would be reborn into a new life. if that's what she wanted.
he sighed deeply.
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020220
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unhinged
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things don't stay like this forever, she thought. these are stolen moments, disconnected from reality. these are the things that never made me push down hard enough with the blade. the blade...funny how everything always turned to that.
nothing was ever good enough for him. there were never smiles, hugs, comfort. and she always found the boys just like him. the boys that could never make her feel good about herself. everyone said she was a depressing overachieveing snob. what else could she be? that was the only thing that ever elicited any reaction from him. she squeezed cowie tighter and she squirmed.
'can i go now?'
'of course.' the honesty of children always made amarilla smile.
'amarilla, i have to go back to the hospital today. they are expecting me to be there to do my work.'
'go and don't come back.' she turned her face away from him. she never liked to let them see her cry.
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020220
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