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Piso Mojado
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'Change is coming, now is my time.'
I was struggling on the 5th day of the Goenka course, struggling with the voice in my head that had gotten louder each day , "GET UP AND LEAVE. GO HOME." I could continue to sit hour after hour, trying to meditate, battling with the voice of my mind, and follow through and finish the course and reap the rewards at the end, be proud, be wiser with direct knowledge. Or I could quit and feel like a failure, but also feel relief at trusting my inner-voice.
The assistant teacher said to me 'this choice will affect the rest of your life.'
And it has. I left. I turned away from 5 more days that could've changed everything that I am- most likely for the better.
But i'm here now. I fell so quickly into old habits and behaviors after arriving home early this morning. I don't want this for myself. I don't want to be (unhappy, staying up late, addicted to the internet, addicted to food, lonely, scared, and on.)
(This) is not for me. This is not helping me go where I need to go. Over a year ago I switched paths in my life- I don't know exactly what i'm doing, or where i'm going, but that is to be expected.
I'm not getting anywhere right now, i'm not really living when I cling to these habits. I have created a dead-zone for myself- a buffer, a purgatory, a comfort-zone. i cannot really live life if I am scared to be myself, scared to know myself, scared to meet other people, scared scared scared.
The first thing I did after coming back to the apartment was clean. I vacumed, washed, organized. It is my turn. To be cleaned of these cobwebs. To live with boldness and courage and faith. And of course, to live with love.
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041228
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