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to_katie
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ever dumbening
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since we're not talking until your birthday, i thought i'd let thoughts about you escape here instead.
~~~
last night i had a dream that the phone was ringing, and by the time i got to it the answering machine picked up. i was standing there listening to your message, so very tempted to pick it up. i don't really know what you said, other than that you were qualifying why you called and broke the agreement about no contact. it was clear that your desire and need to talk was as strong as mine.
*
i ate dinner with mom and dad yesterday. you came up (by the way, the other night i finally told them that you and i had been dating last summer) in the context of how we would discuss the contrast of our life paths. dad is translating a book from german and showed me one sentence about how the ambiguity of a specific biblical text (one of the apocrypha?) mis-lead the author (in a positive way) down all sorts of world- and self-changing alternate pathways.
*
the woman i went to f.e.m. with is moving to chicago in august. maybe we could have a threesome. haha.
*
i'm wearing the "big D" shirt, with it's attendant puffiness and lack of stitches.
*
it hasn't even been a week yet.
*
i really wish i could bounce ideas off you; there's so much to process.
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070217
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ever dumbening
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this was very poorly timed.
*
for some reason i kept being reminded of that time we went to that ghetto-ass walgreens at foothill and fruitvale. maybe because i keep thinking about your breasts and you were buying breast petals, or maybe because i keep looking at apartment listings, the majority of the affordable ones of which are in shitty neighborhoods like that.
*
i ran into alison today, that combined with the recent porcupinity of anna has made me appreciative once again of your non-craziness.
*
i might be taking a sublet for may/june of another artist who is going to be doing a residency in chicago. i'm hoping his insane talent and creativity will rub off on me by staying in his place.
*
i'm terribly curious about what you're thinking, feeling. about what may will bring. about what june and july will bring.
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070221
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ever dumbening
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i want to go camping with you.
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070221
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ever dumbening
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this is considerably more difficult than my other sanction.
*
knowing you as i do, i imagine your temptation to check in is similarly strong. but i wonder if the fact that you have a distraction makes your task easier.
*
it's raining hard again. but pasta sounds kind of bland right now.
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070222
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ever dumbening
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now i don't even get the sunshine and warmth that i'm supposedly taking as my tradeoff—sleet was my escort home.
*
i ate at a restaurant called priya today, after i reserved a truck for tomorrow. the restaurant, however, did not have pretty hair.
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070227
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ever dumbening
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even if you do come to visit, and even if you sleep with me again, we won't climb to the loft any more, won't brush against the strap of old sleigh bells draped across the top rung.
*
i was listening to kalx in my car today as—you grew to find—i always do. a song came on that i liked, one i thought for sure you would like too. the dj checks in with the back-announce: ac newman, from the new pornographers. ah yes, i was right without even knowing.
*
i was thinking about the night we walked out to the end of the berkeley pier. it was a day or two before the night at jupiter when we sat drinking brother david's triple. it was before we had a bit more clarity.
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070303
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ever dumbening
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the little green light lets me know you're out there, going about your day.
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070303
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ever dumbening
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i wonder if i'll care.
*
i put an ad on craigslist for the first time in a little while. i'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. but it caused me to stumble across a song and some lyrics that had me thinking about you.
*
kalx was playing the all-katie rotation today, from arcade fire to ted leo to the new pornographers.
*
i went for a run today on the same trail we did the second time we hung out. it was the first time i had run in some time, but it wasn't too bad.
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i guess you're about five or six weeks away from being done. i hope you're not stressing, one way or the other.
*
maybe time is doing its job.
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070309
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ever dumbening
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"On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared"
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070309
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ever dumbening
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having fought depression for years, i know how it feels when it's chemical, when it washes through you like poison, like heartburn. i had the thought today that there must be some chemical component to the emotion of separation. over the last day or two (in contrast to the past week and a half where the intensity of moving, possibly, or something else, had me distracted with regards to you), i felt my thoughts and emotions strongly swaying back your way. indeed a similar physical feeling, an anologous cascade, surged through me.
*
i had a dream last night where you walked up behind me, and we realized at that moment that we were taking a class together. i had just commented a moment earlier that none of my buddies had classes with me this semester. there you were; i was quite pleased.
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070313
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pete
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070313
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ever dumbening
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hanging out with keith and janet last week i kept hearing "you'll know when you know." i've always thought that, but others disagree, or evidence to the contrary is presented. their having met gives me hope, but it certainly casts further doubt on my feelings about you. your obfuscation early (and throughout in some ways) may skew the empirical a bit, though.
*
on marketplace today they were talking about the administrative costs of health care being (based on a couple different studies) between 14 and 30 cents on the dollar. don't spend your pennies all in one place. :)
*
it's funny how we only spent one day at the beach together, but just about every time i hit the water i think of you, of that day.
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070320
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