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ikonaj
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being with him is like that. contending with his past everyday, 'so much more' and giggity - i want to wring all our necks and be done.
what is this new person that has erupted out of nowhere? is this what a bleeding heart is supposed to mean? (apart from the terribly adolescent language)
and the evaluations begin. what did i want from this past year? bodywarmth and laughter. people - did i want more people? now i do, apparently, and i think i have failed utterly somewhere. even though i have some, a gypsy, a feminist, a dancer. a falala poet, a lover of things i love, a once-in-a-blue-moon-confessor, a rotund one. some of us get drunk together. but i never arrive.
even with you. somewhere i have failed if i have not learnt to let go, to love fully without the barbs of lightning that only make me worse and worse, a tiny struggling emmet. it is my worst flaw, this feeling. it threatens to become habit and never go away. maybe my insides are permanently sour, and only seek externals to justify the spewings. lemon-breath and tingling.
and then the greater thwartings that i assumed myself to have undergone. o i had such ambitions, and now they are washed away like rain. i seek no recognition, i maintain, and thus i fall every once in a while. an abstract will to power that evaded me. trying to convince myself all the while that this is the greater learning, this is the higher yearning, this is my triumph. did not a vee say once: our greatest strengths may be how we overcome our weaknesses. so be it.
i can write away my smite. i must not obsess so. i must learn to let go, to not suffocate and be suffocated in turn. above all, i must convert all my vices into art, into art - and there find peace. find love. find. for everyone has different modes of growing, and i must find mine, fiercely. otherwise i have failed. again.
i cannot have failed. again. i must write and not fritter away this pain. how does one love without the monotony of attachment? how does one give and get with graciousness? how does one realise that one is not alone special, but simply one of a series of happinesses, and make peace with that?
how does one live?
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090505
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