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who i am doesnt matter anymore
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I do still think that maybe one day when the time is right, we will cross paths again. Ive herd that you want nothing to do with me, that you never want to hear from me or talk to me again. which is fine, whatever. but i do always wonder what your doing, how life had been for you and what youve done the last few yrs. i think if we ever did talk again, wed have a great conversation that would probably last hours. i mean when we talked every nite for what, 3 hours? just think what all wed have to say now after 3 yrs.
it doesnt seem like thats TOO long, but wow have i been threw alot. Maybe you dont care, but im gonna get it out anyway...
we stopped talking, or wait, YOU stopped talking to me while i was hangin around with nick's crew. the yr i got my car and was never home. which is somthing you yelled at me about. anyway, thats when i was dating scott and was with his crew all the time. hmm those days i will never forget. the people i was around, druggies, juggalos, scrubs. they were my family for a while there. partys all the time, not givin a fuck about their life, just doing whatever the hell we wanted to do at any point and time. but i was the sober kid, the one ppl hated having around after awhile because they didnt wanna hear that they were fuckin up their lives. they got tired of hearing me and scott fighting because i wanted him to have a good life, and he was just making it worse. i started realizing that i wanted to go to college, so that ment actually working hard at school. and if anyone knew how much i hated school it was you. the end of my junior yr felt like a big turn around with things. i was actually passing classes and i knew what i wanted to do after highschool. i was still with scott, i lost my virginity to him, which is somthin u probably dont care about either, but that was a big deal in my life, and i dont regret it one bit. i waited exactly one yr till we got to it. go me and not slutting around! haha. anyway my junior summer...was spent in summer school, for match. GAG. and i ended up droppin out of that but it basicly ruined my whole summer. senoir yr was more of me getting my shit together. i dropped hangin out with scotts friends. cuz i knew they would just drag me down. so basicly i worked on school, hung out with scott and worked, at baskin robbins. oh and playtos closet. right before the end of senior yr i broke up with scott cuz all we did was fight and i couldnt deal with it anymore. i sat around and cried alot. and sooner or later decided to move on, and just as i decided that he came back into my life. told me hed change,blah blah. so i gave him another chance. i started my first yr of college at ivy tech, im very proud of graduating highschool, i busted ass for that. at ivy tech i went for graphic design, and in the second semester i started to wonder if thats really what i wanted. i started thinking about going outta state or transfering majors, adam and amanda wanted me to move to boston with them for the art school there, but im just not ready to leave yet so im still here in good ol south bend. ive ended up transfering to another school just down the street, indiana university of south bend. ill be going for fine arts: painting and drawing. it really feels like a good move, like its somthing ive been needing and im really excited. its ALOT more work but i know i can do it. things with scott since last yr had been alot better, but once again as summer came we began to question things. after 2 and a half yrs we both started wondering if this was right. people keep pounding in my head that i should be dating around and that im too young and he wasnt sure if im "the one" so we took a "break" for the last month. as soon as i told him i wasnt waiting around anymore for his decision he once again told me im the one for him and he is scared of losing me and wants to work on things. im not running back to him yet but we do hang out and if i see a goodness out of it, then i can go back but i am not posotive about it. my heart is madly inlove with him, but my heads too fucked up right now.
just the other day was my one yr working at hot topic. yea thats right, i work at the "cool goth store that every little kid loves" hahaha, remember how inlove i was with hot topic? well i still am, but in a different way. its an awesome job, but the hours suck so at the moment im lookin for a second job. for my birthday my mom got me a puppy. hes a chiwawa miniture pincsher. hes the cutest thing on the planet and i named him rufus. yep, after my stuffed frog. hes sleeping on my lap right now. hes my little son and i do everything with him. im still living at home with my mom. we have a great relationship now, even tho we have alot of differences and out looks on life. me and my dad are just fine too. in my spare time...i do alot of nothing. i have a small hand full of friends. and normaly they are working when im not or they have their lives going on too. so i spend alot of time alone. on this stupid computer that im addicted to. doing somthing for school. or just hangin around. my life isnt exciting and it isnt all woppity do but i dont mind. i do wish u were still in it, i wish we could still talk and laugh about the stupid things we do. you know a part of me that no one else does, and i think im starting to loose grip with it too, so sometimes i think if we talked...id be able to hang on to that part of who i am alot easier.
ill stop rambling now.
i hope your ok, i hope life isnt too bad on ya. i hope ur out there enjoying yourself. maybe ill see ya around. who knows.
if not, dont ever forget, i love you.
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