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Risen
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As I forget all the good times, as my mind fades away into the black hole of pain and I sit alone in the prison cell of my body. Broken in too many places now to be held together by the glue of the drugs and the surgeries. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Not even when I look back can I see the light which used to be there. The shine in your eyes as you smiled, or the heels which clicked towards me with such confidence. No, they are a faded memory now.
I miss you less and less, and I miss myself more. I do not remember who I am.
I barely go downstairs these days. Twice since Christmas day. I don't remember the last time I went outside which wasn't for a medical appointment. This is a black hole of emptiness and despair. But at least gating works on emotional pain too. As the cracks in my spine grow wider, as the bones refuse to heal, I realise that the pain in my body has drowned out the pain in my heart.
Sometimes, at 4am when I am lying awake trying to remember what restful sleep felt like, there is a vague twinge as I enter the marshes. The half forgotten memory of a time when I was happy, when I was free. But it is like looking for a sliver of moon from a prison window. You become content with the light of a lamppost. The artificial becomes real, the lie becomes the truth.
If you've forgotten what the moon looks like, any sliver of silver will do. If you've forgotten happiness, then just a temporary relief from the pain seems like a happy moment. When there is nowhere to go but down, a moment when you are not being tortured is as blissful as a lover's caress. It is all relative.
So as my level of pain becomes the new normal, and mere agony becomes a highlight, I miss you less and less. You belong to a world I visited once. One where pain - physical or emotional - was a manageable concept. Something I could handle or put off until tomorrow.
You are not the only thing I miss less and less. The deadline for my next academic progression is less than a week away, and I have not written a word. There is no point. There is no future, there is no past.
Pain is the ultimate now.
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