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unhinged
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i have vague thoughts forming but i wanted to cast it into the blue:
whats the difference?
maybe part of the reason im still mired in the sadness of the end of our relationship is cause the end was so...abrupt. and it made no sense to me. we were happy together. why be apart?
(years of parental conditioning, cultural_differences , different priorities in life. we live on different planets. but then again so did all the roman gods. venus and mars pushed and pulled and battled each other for aeons or so the myths say.)
i abandoned the concept of image as a necessity years ago. or...i build my image in the likeness i want it to be, the rest of the world i live in be damned. status means nothing to me; it is a trap of consumerism. people at the top of that totem pole have never seemed happy to me. i was told to find my happiness as a child. i was told my parents would have unconditional love for me no matter what that turned out to be. i realize now i was lucky, that most people dont receive that from their parents.
i feel sorry for him that he was taught from a very young age that the most important thing is money. pity...i inferred that he has equated money and status to parental love so he chases these things thinking they give him worth. i pity that because i really dont have direct experience with those concepts. my perspective as a child was placed on happiness, that i should do what makes me happy rather than chase money. but, i could see his misery. so i pity the way his mother infected him with capitalism and greed. he denies his dreams because for some reason he thinks dreams are to be abandoned. maybe i was a dream to him...pity. ive always been a dreamer.
but with the wonderfully good parts, my father instilled a sense of effort that got twisted in me, being the clinically depressive dreamer that i am. getting up and going to work no matter what....mmmmm...sometimes thats not possible. i was not allowed to fail as a child. i was told in no uncertain terms that my fathers children were not allowed to be average. but all of us fail sometimes, all of us have subjects and areas where we are just average. i became so afraid of failure that it stopped me from trying new things. i felt inferior. i was afraid of disappointing my father most of all.
he was told directly as a child that he was inferior (which i think is outright abusive). empathy...i could directly relate. sometimes i couldnt meet my fathers expectations, i was inferior. there is something that takes root and grows in a childs heart, something dark and twisty, when they feel like that. we carry it around with us forever, we feed it, it grows. some of us do that without even realizing it. and it grows into this invasive species that smothers everything else. empathy...to move past the poison our parents gave us as adults is the real hard work of growing_up.
we couldve been something great together. i am still convinced of that.
then again, you have to help yourself before someone else can help you. he didnt want my help. so i walk_away
but my heart still feels for you
indirectly - pity
directly - empathy
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