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lovers lament
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To Rocky
I have honored you with love and adoration.
I have honored you with this while you were alive and after you killed yourself.
I honor you no more.
I cannot stop my heart from feeling certain ways.
By killing yourself you effectively kept me from ever being able to step up on my own and see you as my abuser.
You kept me from being able to have the pride of knowing I walked away from you.
You've given me confusion and shame because even as I write this I feel a measure of guilt.
Calling a dead man an abuser when he can't defend himself.
But you were.
Physically. Thankfully little.
Psychologically. Oh so much.
Emotionally. Did you ever stop manipulating me? I wonder if the whole thing beginning to end was a game.
And yet knowing you were my abuser - I still own things you owned. I have not thrown them away. So some part of my heart still believes you were good.
You have stolen my ability to be truly angry at you.
You have stolen my ability to confront you.
You stole ten years of my life while I mourned you thinking that I had lost my life when you took your own. I wanted to die with you.
I quit drinking three years ago, and when the fog lifted, so did my memories of you.
The gold plating came off and underneath was just cheap fucking scratched up tin.
And despite all of this... I DO feel guilty posting this. Because you have robbed me of the ability to clearly see the truth. Dying in the manner you did clouds everything. Speaking ill of the dead... not being able to confront you with all of these accusations and put the matter to rest leaves it forever unresolved.
BUT.
I have gone from adoration to admission. So perhaps there IS hope for me. It took me over ten years to get here, but I'm not finished yet. I am done writing to you of my undying love. I don't wish you ill - you've already died and received whatever it is was waiting for you. But I still hope for a confrontation at some point for myself. Guess I'll be waiting a very long time.
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