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my_brother_cant_spell_my_name
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endless desire
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thanks tom.
jeez he is 13.
ellyn is not that hard of a name to spell
and after all these years,
he still cant spell it.
boy do i feel loved.
i remember when he had his surgery back around my birthday a couple years ago.
everyone just forgot my birthday.
absolutely forgot.
and week of the big day, we were out buying presents and cake and celebration balloons for tom. it still wounds me today in the most childish of ways.
ive always felt second best.
ive worked so hard to win approval
which comes in buckets
but are so invisible to me.
all i see is the other 5.
yes, even little ryan.
he is my half brother, lives at my papas.
when i walk in the house, the walls covered in pictures of him. the cutest 10 month old youve ever seen in your life.
and i swear im not just saying that.
but i guess im just jealous of the walls, being covered with such a new (beautiful) thing.
who wants us old worn out kids?
getting older. no longer the new toy,
fresh from the package.
i never thought id be the one jealous of a little babe.
how silly.
i think there is something wrong with me.
im so freakish about attention sometimes.
and my_brother_cant_spell_my_name
ive never spelt his wrong before.
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030602
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peachesandcream
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its ok to be jealous i guess. dogs who are unconditional lovers get jealous of babies all the time. sometimes not tho. its the nature of love i guess. it seems. love is not just all peaches and cream.
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030603
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endless desire
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it might be the nature of love
but i wonder if its the nature of mature_love
for instance, relationships where one person is jealous all the time
of another person's actions never seem to work out.
and i think this is immaturity in the relationship
i picture a child grabbing in the air
yelling
mine mine mine.
but as for the jealous feelings towards my sibblings. . .
well haha its just my venting.
and ive always hoped i dont come across to attention-needy
*those people always bother me
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030603
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soup for the poor
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My fucking boyfriend's always jealous and it makes me so angry. I used to like the attention but now it is just gay. I feel like a china doll that he is afraid to drop. He doesn't trust me and it's killing so much.
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030603
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endless desire
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i told him today.
that he spelled my name.
he just laughed.
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030603
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little wonder
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my siblings used to not be able to say my name.
my brother called me "jecca", which my grandmother continued calling me until she thought i was too old for that. (too old meant graduating from high school.)
my sister called me cha-cha. everyone called me that for awhile, just to grate my nerves.
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030604
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endless desire
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((that's really cute little wonder))
he changed it. now he is spelling it right.
but i doubt he will remember.
oh well
that's life for you i guess.
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030609
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