|
| |
leave_of_presence
|
|
|
Ouroboros
|
15 days studying meditation and buddhism at a temple in the mountains of northern thailand
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 1: anger, sad, homesick, trapped, tired, ill, frustrated, scared, amazed, happy
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 2: difficult, frustration, anger, loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, homesick, lost, alone, panic, sick, hungry, impatient, scared, pained, hope, nourished, no choices, brain/heart
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 3: calm, hurt, scared, hungry, horny, determination, thinking, trapped, sarcastic, lonely
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 5: worry, tired, judgment, relief, regret, suicidal, powerless, giving in, hungry, grumpy, motivated, disgusted
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 7: intense, shame, guilt, anger, high, witnessing, participating, lucidity, dream-like, significant, beautiful, defense-mechanisms, guilt, pleasure, low energy, pain, fire, life, bliss, refuge, lighter
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 8: lonely, wanting, hopeless, low (very low), ok, easy, deep sadness, mistakes, trying, failure, crying, confused, stuck
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 10: being_of_light
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 11: beautiful, crying, alive, glad, happy, thinking, missing, impatient, homesick, failure, hard, pain, patterns, distractions, shifting, confidence, feeling, passing
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 12: thinking, empty, aweless, consolation, justification, clear, small, weak, scared, doubtful, anxious, panic, am, being, crisp, alive, twist, missing, sad
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
day 15: amazing, past-pain, higher/deeper, blissful, full, floting, laughter, lost, distrustful, thinking, hard, lonely, aching, reflection, unsafe, happy, not ready, beautiful, wonderful, rewarded, hunger
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
(short short summaries of jounral entries)
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
almost left day 3, 8, 11, 13
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
stork daddy
|
i go through that in entirety every minute on the minute
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
ever dumbening
|
i thought of you today as i traveled a couple labyrinths during my annual thanksgiving day walk. oh the mind.
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
yeah- exactly- got to see all the emotions running through me on a daily basis- the ones that appear and trigger other ones and repeat and repeat and...
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
walking the labryrinths and thinking about birthday plans?
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
ever dumbening
|
not really planning much. just feeling old and lonely, when i have no justification to feel either (though throwing out my back and missing out on a week plus of great surf sucks).
i think i need to meditate for 15 days.
|
061123
|
| |
... |
|
|
the awful truth
|
As much as i maintain a sense
of cold-hearted indifference
to goings on and makings sense
of faces floating round my head,
in bedrooms packed and stocked with smoke
i feel a smile break the choke,
the grimace on my face i wear
i hold it back but it comes clear
So i take a leave_of_presence
I been absent since I came
I've been shuffling from room to room
Just projecting my hate
But I think i'll take a leave_of_presence
I might even speak my mind
I think I'll interact, Play the act,
I got nothing to leave behind.
and when the words have fallen out
my mouth like water spilling out
a spout i stop and think of what i said
the smiles turn to stone beneath the eyes
that glare along a jagged dotted line to
meet mine.
and my guts inside my gut begin to smoke like cigarettes
and my eyes avert the piercing glare to pretend i havent seen it yet.
so i take my leave_of_presence
with a little grain_of_salt
and i go back to being absent
to these aural/verbal assualts
and i chug the rest of beer
that i clutch in shaking fist
and i toke the last drag, crush it down and cough and choke and spit
and i'm out the door
i'm down in the street
i'm absent from these people
and i'm absent from me
and i'm absent from school
well i'm absent today
i'll be absent tomorrow
and i wasnt there yesterday
and i'm leaving next tuesday
i think thats the day i'll decide
to be absent forever
but in my mind i'll reside.
|
061124
|
| |
... |
|
|
the awful truth
|
As much as i maintain a sense
of cold-hearted indifference
to goings on and makings sense
of faces floating round my head,
in bedrooms packed and stocked with smoke
i feel a smile break the choke,
the grimace on my face i wear
i hold it back but it comes clear
So i take a leave_of_presence
I been absent since I came
I've been shuffling from room to room
Just projecting my hate
But I think i'll take a leave_of_presence
I might even speak my mind
I think I'll interact, Play the act,
I got nothing to leave behind.
and when the words have fallen out
my mouth like water spilling out
a spout i stop and think of what i said
the smiles turn to stone beneath the eyes
that glare along a jagged dotted line to
meet mine.
and my guts inside my gut begin to smoke like cigarettes
and my eyes avert the piercing glare to pretend i havent seen it yet.
so i take my leave_of_presence
with a little grain_of_salt
and i go back to being absent
to these aural/verbal assualts
and i chug the rest of beer
that i clutch in shaking fist
and i toke the last drag, crush it down and cough and choke and spit
and i'm out the door
i'm down in the street
i'm absent from these people
and i'm absent from me
and i'm absent from school
well i'm absent today
i'll be absent tomorrow
and i wasnt there yesterday
and i'm leaving next tuesday
i think thats the day i'll decide
to be absent forever
but in my mind i'll reside.
|
061124
|
| |
... |
|
|
one wrecked angle
|
so absurdly much fuzz caught in the velcro hooks of mind, i cannot stop and simply be. so much pushing and pulling, no sitting. so much thinking doing fussing fretting, no time heart space to find the falcon perched near. setting conditionals of if/thens, when/thens only gums the gears that normally keep the thoughts scrolling by. maybe a trip to Three Refuges Hardware for a bit of the_graphite_of_emptiness is in order.
|
080109
|
| |
... |
|
|
Ouroboros
|
i'm tempted to just quit and slum around until march 4th for 2 months serving and yoga in santa cruz.
|
080110
|
| |
... |
|
|
fire walkin birdmad
|
"i am the great went"
|
080110
|
