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stork daddy
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ssl: ladies and gentleman of the jury...(dabs sweat gently from forehead with hankie, and stretches one suspender with the other hand)
i ask you to consider what it would feel like to lose a member of your family, someone you loved very much. and now doesn't it seem just a bit crass that that man right there even sits across from us? doesn't it seem a bit, nay, a whole lotta crass that this man sits there maintaining his innocence, while such feelings of loss are being felt even as we speak by the owner of Sparky's Super? i wasn't raised on no fancy laws when i was knee high to a grasshopper growing and a scrapping in Crabapple, Mississippi, but my mama taught me right from wrong. and i think all of our mama's taught us well enough to know that what this man, the "defendant" did is wrong! now it's getting late in the day, i should be home already, tucking my nine little chilluns into bed, kissing their foreheads and reading them stories from the good book. little jebediah just loves the story of jonah. and little sue-ann, she's a mischief maker, always jumping on the bed after i turn out the lights. but i'm fair with them, and when needs be, they have to be taught a lesson. i try to teach them to live fair and just lives, by the ten commandments, and i hope that today, you can help them live in a fair and just world by making a fair and just decision yourselves. just as i hope to be putting my little ones to bed tomorrow evening back in Crabapple, Mississippi, i ask that we put this sinner to sleep. it's to make the world a better place!
defense lawyer: objection your honor! the man stole cabbages from Sparky's Super. I don't think the death penalty was ever being seriously entertained. i have no clue what this man is talking about.
ssl: well were they his cabbages?! (he screams it) i'm sorry, i'm sorry i apologize for my outburst. sometimes my heart talks for me. well it's just....he keeps talking to you and me with his fancy lawyering. i won't speak above you, esteemed jury members, or above the facts which remain plain as day. i like a good barbeque, a football game on sunday, after church of course, but that doesn't mean that i don't understand right and wrong. i implore you to see through to the implications of this act. sure it's a cabbage this time. but what if that's your daughter sitting there on one of Sparky's shelves next time? what then? i rest my case your honor.
defense: is this man really a lawyer? what is going on?
jury member: we find the defendant guilty and sentence him to death!
judge: i haven't asked for your deliberation yet.
defense: jesus christ this is ridiculous
ssl: i hope that's not THE jesus christ whose name you throw around like chattel.
defense: i give up.
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