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spiffy
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I am tired of sitting in front of a computer starting at an empty chat room. I am tired of being constantly on the verge of tears. I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night, sitting around feeling like I am missing something, being depressed and having this heavy, dark cloud following me around everywhere I go. Tired of sitting up alone in the darkness all night, waking up as the sun sets feeling all woozy, tired of having no real life.
I have realized that life just isn't going to grab me and invite me to live it, I must go out there and grab it.
Today as my mom and I argued about me being bored and wanting to do something, I finally decided to just do it. I shoved aside my stupid fears and told her that I wanted to get a job. Bryce always said that I should get one, and he is right. Not only will my existance seem less pointless, but I will finally have money.
When I am out in public around people, I have this tendency to not really listen when someone is talking to me, but just nod my head and agree. I get so nervous that it all kinda goes in one ear and out the other. I feared that I would do this if I got a job, so I would just kinda stand there without direction, not remembering what it was that I was told to do. And being around people, having things expected of me, I just feel vey uncomfy. But (again) Bryce is right, the only thing stopping me is me.
So tomorrow I go to Petco to apply for a job.
Today I also acquired my freedom. I have been so tempted so many times to just run out that door. Because I could never go anywhere by myself. I couldn't even walk my dog around the block without my mom coming along with me. I was being yelled at for the most stupid things, so I finally just did it. I went out that door, took my dog, and ran. I hadn't ran that hard in quite a long time and after a while had to sit down on the side of the street and catch my breath. My lungs were hurting and I ended up coughing a lot the rest of the day.
After a while I continued to walk toward the park. I made it half way there before I lost my courage and started heading home. On my way back I saw my mom. I stopped. She stopped. She said, "Do you want me to just go back?" I didn't say anything. I walked toward her and sat back down and cried. I couldn't believe myself. I was ashamed. I thought for sure she would be mad.
"Aren't you all mad," I asked, "That I just randomly ran out the door?"
"No." she said. "It's about time you did that."
She said it was the only sane thing to do, that she didn't blame me. That she would have done that as well. She told me that she was... proud?? I don't understand these people!
So we ended up walking to the park together and then going home. Bryce had told me that I should just do that. I finally did and found out that (yet again) he was right. (Ain't he smart?)
So I will get a job, I will go out when I want to, and I will go to college (I got my GED so even though I'm 16 I'm going to college [this is where everyone says "Wow.") and I will make friends even if I have to go up to someone and demand that they befriend me. I will have a life. And I will move on.
I will try to (as best I can) let go of some things that have been depressing me. This includes Bryce. It will be hard but I have no control over him coming back anyway. I will still hold out hope but I won't dwell anymore. I will miss him (if he doesn't return) for quite a long time I'm sure, but maybe it's just something I have to go through. He himself said that everything happens for a reason. He left me with a lot. I was sure it wasn't enough, but who knows... Maybe one day he will come back and I will be so suprised and happy, or maybe I will just have to cherish the memory. The sad thing is he has helped me more than he will ever know.
Sometimes I remember something that he said that was funny or sweet, and I smile.
"spiffy: and i don't know how you stand me..... but thanks.... for just bein there
bryce: my honor Sarah:)"
Thanks Bryce.
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