blather
small_hours
lycanthrope Struggling with sleep, heavy eyelids, mind like a shutter snapping open.
I scroll the usual phone feeds,
Everyone else seems awake too,
Humanity itself tossing and turning,
On the verge of immolation, anything to sleep.
The rainforest is burning, you can one-click buy countries online,
Everyone is upset or happy or happily upset.
The search engine suggests
Democracy is a window dressing
Democracy is a gun
Democracy is a lullaby.
I must sleep. I thumb the screen to dark.
The last image in my eye
Is a heart emoji someone posted to lazily reach out, give/find comfort.
It remains an afterimage in my retina as I cradle my pillow.
A small heart, growing smaller, fading to middle distance, to dark.
I strain eyes closed tightly to see it.
I know it’s a trick of light and eyes,
But I don’t want it to go, it’s a feeling.
Please grow, please grow.
190822
...
unhinged i have my plant sacrament before sleep now
(those weeks of insomnia in college etched a place in my memory
that when pushed
motivates action in me
almost like nothing else
if i end up in that shadow world again
im not sure if i will survive
my heart isn't as idealistic now

yes
fear is a powerful motivator)

the acupuncture
the meditation
the ayurveda

i sleep better now
but

i am still waiting for words and images on a screen
to replicate the feeling
of your_arms wrapped around me
my heart pressed to your heart

there are parts deep inside
that need resonance
to_be_still
190823