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re_alisma
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i kinda think my days of fighting depression are over. because i've gone through enough machinations to be a little more even, to not sweat the small stuff and not let small stuff get big. (still, though a matter of perspective, my current issue of no cash and no real outward purpose, can be seen as objectively big, but subjectively (variably) smaller, and does cause me some anger and frustration.)
but the main point, and i do have one, is:
to fight or not to fight? because, sometimes, that becomes all that you do. but on the other hand, what, just succumb, go numb, play dead, when there's whole lives to be led?
for my cappy moon, it's never directly about "happiness". never. there are simply too many complexities for it to be like that. when i smile at people, i do it for them. really almost never for myself.
it's all a hardwire to have much integrity as possible, though, you know? and that's a little annoying and unlikeable to some people (like MY BROTHER, apparently), i guess.
my brother and i have moons in quincunx, and he always needs to "win". if i win, i'm always the jerkiest jerk..... so then i gotta go "whatever" to that, ad infinitum. but i think that, lately, he's beginning to see that there are actually reasons (oh my god!) to respect me more. so that's good. because my brother is nothing if he's not rational, open-minded, and ready-for-what's-next. it's taken me awhile to convince the family that they have to be a little less passive in order for me to get to what's-next. and it has been very difficult for me, in thee ole psyche, as well.
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