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it has taken me a while to clear my head, to find the space i've needed to concentrate on writing you. been meaning to write these words for a long time now but for various reasons i withheld from doing so. partly out of fear, partly out of feelings of being illogical and stupid, partly because of not wanting to feel as if i've added any additional stress to your life. so all this may seem as if it's coming out of nowhere. but before i go any further i'll address what you asked of me about the website - the server we were running isnt up anymore. with him being in school pretty heavy and me dealing with this 9 to 5 and also casting this film we havent been able to keep up the sites like we wanted so we had to let our dns go cause neither of us had the time. so unfortunately we cant host the site for you, i'm sorry. but i can ask around and find a company that is reasonable, professional and trustworthy to put your mind at ease and protect what you've worked so hard to build.
on to other things...my past few months have been filled with chaos, an unfocused nervous energy that has left me without the peace i had hoped for. i thought i'd be able to concentrate on the work that i really want to do, left alone by "reality" or daily troubles. but i've found i just fill it with nothing. working this job has left me idleminded and bored during the day...
i hope this finds you well - missing you, and the special conversations that we had shared together. i thought perhaps i would reveal to you the true feelings that dwell within.
i will always be affected by the warmth of your genuinely kind spirit. just knowing that you are there, that you are present somewhere in this universe is enough for me. i cannot - and i tried to find a peace about it - fully exorcise myself away from thoughts of you. and in all honesty these thoughts, as foolish as they may be, are not totally platonic. i am taking a huge leap by saying this, and once it's said, i'll leave it for what it is - no disrespect towards your wife or my husband. we both have families and spouses that we love and care for, i have never 'physically' met you, we are thousands of miles away from each other and yet, despite all of this, i do love you and have for some time.
the thought of you makes me smile. the thought of you unhappy, just as easily crushes me. you have affected me in so many ways. i'm working on walking steady, sometimes flying and i realize now that i caught a glimpse of god in your eyes. i saw myself in that reflection and yet i know that you could ever not want that, nor will it ever be. and this is where the pain begins. i've truly tried to separate myself away from the pain and take responsibility. i hope that with my communication now you can sense me taking that responsibility. you have had a large part in my self-realizations, a positive part, and can only try to accept the results.
i miss you so much i wonder if you ever feel me. the connection that we had was so amazing. i want the love i feel for you to be unimportant, foolish, trivial. feels impossible. pure love experienced through energy is not easily forgotten. how amazing, moving this flesh around as we do - poets and painters continue without this form, i know that those dreams are true, and you are always singing from within a silvery purple sphere...i know you have a life flowing ahead, and much to accomplish. i hope we find a peace amongst our lives. and the only peace i may be able to find is to forget that i ever met you.
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