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thinking_too_much
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Freak
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I have been thinking too much lately. It's driving me insane. I have anxiety over other people. I worry what everyone is thinking. Even people I don't even know. Does she think Im poor. Do they think Im a recluse. Does he think Im too shy and it keeps me away.
I have also been giving people reasons they should die. Like the guy with dandruff whos facial hair looks like pubes. Or the girl who looks like a horse calls herself barbie because thats who she wants be and wears to much makeup. Or the girl who no matter what she says seems like she is a bad actoress in a crappy film. Fake.
I read in the perks_of_being_a_wallflower that thinking to much is a problem because it is a way to keep yourself away and out of things.
I just wish I had a little switch that I could use to turn off my thought process for a while and just become a vegetable for a few days or something. The only problem would be the fact that I wouldn't be able to turn it back on when I wanted too.
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021017
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p2
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i was gonna prescribe a large dosage of television for you, but if you are judging an actress in based on her acting ability instead of the number of times she's nekkid in the movie, you may need something stronger. like a concussion.
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021017
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Freak
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I wasn't talking about a REAL actress. I was talking about someone I saw that day where everything she said and the way she acted and presented herself seemed fake, like it was all an act and she wasn't really doing a good job.
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021018
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~gez~
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i thought so much today, it made my brain hurt slightly. started as a throb in the back of my head, which i dismissed as a simple headache, but it grew worse as i eneetered maths, showing it was directly work related. school is such a stress, i am pretty sure it will kill me one day, in one way or another
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021018
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silent storm
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And drowning in my own sorrow
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021018
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kss
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"like a concussion"? damn, I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair and hit my head on my desk.
it did me a world of good.
thanks!
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021018
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Syrope
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i didn't want to come back here, but i did...like, with minimal resistance. and i don't know why. i tell people i came back home because i wanted to work, but i'm not even getting that many hours. i might go back for second summer session, take a useless literature course and find a job.
i really didn't wanna go back to the high school, but i did...like, with even less resistance. i can't figure out if it's morbid curiousity or what..but in high school, i remember people saying "enjoy high school because it's the best years of your life!" and also people saying "don't take high school so seriously, none of it will matter in 10 years"
tonight i realized that i don't even remember what stress was like in high school. i've only finished one year of college, and already the nights i was up slaving over a paper or project...in tears because i couldn't get a tiny detail just_perfect ...have paled in comparison to what i've gone through in the past year.
i don't think high school was anywhere near the best years of my life. god i hope not...i'm enjoying college MUCH more. but, yet, they were easy years, carefree...no they weren't! they seem that way now that they're over. what a relief that they're over. is it possible to not take "the best years of your life" seriously? is it normal to be glad to be finished with them?
i'm not sure someone could have told me this and made me believe it when i was still in high school, but i sure would have liked to have known. i discovered blather when i was in high school, so i'm always going to use high school as a reference point...even though it's not that important to me. i mean, sure those years were my formative years, where all the really important "firsts" and experiences took place, but i don't think of them all fondly and warmly or anything...
sheesh, i should be asleep
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030528
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-Jessica-
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This is officially my last day of high school. They always gave you extra work and things telling you that they were prepairing you for college and "the real world" but if they were really doing that they wouldn't have made the past 13 years a daily schedule that just ends one day dropping every one their asses in the matter of seconds leaving everyone lost and wondering what they're supposed to do and where they're supposed to go now.
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030528
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once again
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and at night I sit thinking too much about most dangerous word in the human language: if. If this or that and you rewrite the story until it no longer resembles anything you remember. And you change around the words.
Sometimes I think I'd have so much to tell the world if only I could find the words. I would tell it what I've learned and how I've messed up. I would explain to it about growing up, but I know that such a monolog would be useless. People want to live their own lives, make their own mistakes, learn their own lesssons.
Sometimes I think I would change so much of my life if I had it to do over. But deep inside I know it isn't true. I don't regret it, not a single second, I would go back through, making every mistake I made the first time. Perhaps I would do it with more passion this time, but no I could not change a single second.
I think soemtimes about people and God and why we're here. People ask that age old question, is it fate or is it free will. I think it's both. We're all written down in some giant "Choose-your-own-adventure" book, every option, everychoice, from the clothes we wear, to the person we marry. And it used to bother me that I could never go back and read the choices that I didn't pick.
Sometimes I think about good and evil and what it all really is. What makes good better and evil worse. Them versus us, is that really all it boils down to? and who's to say we're good? How does it all work out.
and I think who cares you know. What it all really means. it all boils down to the relentless triviality of evverything... it's all just shits and giggles... a load of hogwash... set it on spin and watch it go round.
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031003
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pipedream
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when i think too much everything turns into clarity i can never express to anyone, and because i cannot write it- there are no words that will capture what i feel then- they turn back into the tangle they came from, leaving behind a few sparkles of clarity..
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031004
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Ni
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something i do often...
i think while im sad or happy
i think while im confused (im never certain)
i think while im heartbroken or in love
i think while im surrounded by people or when im completely alone
i think i even think while im thinking... like thinking on 2 levels
i think constantly
sometimes the thoughts slow down enough for me to fall asleep
though im sure i keep thinking while i sleep
sometimes the thinking helps me
it gives me a chance to believe that i did the right thing
then before i know it my thoughts have come full circle and im again convinced what i did was wrong
i wish i could stop thinking at least sometimes
but then again, when i think about, it i suppose i like being able to think
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031004
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