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srealisma
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I try to feel things for real, like in my body.
There is no cell in body happy for happy families. It's not the trip I'm on. I send well wishes but no I have no happiness of my own that has been inspired by any happy families whatsoever.
Nor do I wish harm. It's like I'm just not invited into it... so no cell is programmed for happiness or joy perhaps slight amusement, sometimes. I'm certainly wooable (not that any happy families are looking into this) but it's never going to arise on it's own accord unless i put in hours and hours of mudita practice which you know i might - and become a little lost ego again.
Interesting right? eh. that was kind of the thing about blather in a way- it felt like i was FINALLY invited to something totally mysterious and i felt safe enough to not freeze and grow socially - but my karma wasn't great here either people disliked and rejected me here too. sometimes it IS a reasonable assertion that the earth or maybe the USA might not be right it's that unrequited feeling, unemployable, around every corner a new face is here to rob you blind... .If blather is worth x million i reserve the right to stick out my tongue at these happy familiy bank ads. They are sooooo stupid.
Still i spend a lot of time well wishing and am sourly against all notions of schadenfreude even if i do succumb to it sometimes, i don't misplace self-interest with delusions or fantasies. Although i can really pray for help. Mostly i'm holding a life long grudge against life for not inviting me, really mad at God for making me endure it all with only these parents as my allies and friends, for having to second guess literally everything . I blame God or the evolutionary impulse, and humanity's need to insult each other, genocide each other, pretend that all honest work is better run by something a little more big business. I feel guilty like I'm wrong to blame God that Monsanto had an ok side, that every judgment can be reversed that i should blame myself for these fake realities on the internet when really i'm just scared of the place where i was born? terrified and frozen, i want to stay home but won't accept what it means : no others. I was supposed to drink wine tonight but i forgot. sorry.
Anyway did you know that i knew you before i knew you but according to you it was after ? odd and awful, if true. blame God a layercake on only one occasion - not really - a party to serve it. Is that what was so upsetting? yeah life's touch is so light when there are duplicates the rest is fumbling with the mystery not completely in the dark See the cat? see the cradle???? What if it really was the "string" that was your life's worth? Is this being a nonmother gender = female. hrmf.
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150523
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