|
Rhin
|
word: 'love'
date: 2000, March 11
name: Leann
after reading it, i realize how far that i have come. i no longer think of you upon waking in the morning. that makes me feel wretched. it's as if i have forgotten you. i have not. i think of you often, but not everyday. today is one of the more painful oftens. i still miss you and i would give anything to have you torture me with endless hours of pink floyd again. it has been a little over 3 years now without you here. am i stronger? is my life better? no & no. you would no longer recognize me. actually, i'm not sure if i would still want you, and it's not because i never loved you. i did more than you know. it is because you wouldn't see me and i would no longer see you. that was a shitty thing to say. i say alot of things i never use to. i just meant that as we grow older, we change. i have changed so much. what use to be so simple for me is now complex. i use to think that you were simple, until i finally read your journals. i wish that i could ask you about the things that you wrote. do you remember when i use to say that i was living in a constant state of amazement? well, now i live in a constant state of decay. i choose it. for a short while i was higher than i have ever been. now, i fight to maintain a medium. i just can't find it. that's not true. i just don't want it enough. i am self-absorbed. i believe that everything should revolve around me. in my world, it does. my little nothing world. what was the topic? oh yes, love. do i love you still? in my memories, i know that i loved you, but i can't remember the way it felt. that overwhelms me with sadness. please, just walk through the door so that i can remember. otherwise, i give up.
|
020924
|
