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for_listening_eyes
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Infinite Luv
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They’ve been together for almost 4 years now. She could never love him the way I loved him. But he chose her, I guess because he loves her. I suppose that my love wasn’t enough for him. I always thought that in the end it would be. Maybe I loved him to much. Or maybe he just never loved me. Maybe my perception of what we shared was clouded by my love, to see what wasn’t there. They say love is blind. Maybe love is just deceptive. Maybe it does see, but is so driven, that it would rather mask the truth, than reveal it to you. And by the time you realize…love has already controlled you.
We have a great friendship. At least I think we do. I do not like him as anything more than a friend. I do not desire him. I just love. I love enough to want him with her. I want him to experience as much as he can. To be happy, even if it is without me. I hope that he cherishes her and loves her completely….far more than he ever claimed to love me.
The crazy thing is…this was 5 years ago. That’s a long time, I was only 15. And to this day, I still care. I’ve successfully put him out of my conscious, as far as feelings are concerned. I look at him, and I think, he’s cool, smart, ridiculously fun, very sexy, and a great friend, but nothing more than that. Like I said, I don’t desire him, or like him. But when my conscious flees from me, and my dreams become my reality. There he is, almost every night. Why is he so salient in my mind…I do not know. I hope that one day, if I lucid dream (realize that you are dreaming)…I’ll ask him…WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?? Maybe my subconscious has an answer. Maybe I can ask him to leave, and never come back. That way I can have complete control. But control is an illusion.
I’ve asked God about him. I think God is screwing with my head. His dad loves me. I look up to him, as a mentor, a friend, like a second father I guess. He says I’m his daughter-in-law. However that is a strong contradiction to reality. And I don’t want to marry his son; I want his son to be happy.
He could walk all over me today and I would still love him. That is the curse that I have been blessed with.
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061021
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Infinite Luv
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I think I was 10 ...my breast was a B cup then…yes I developed a lot at a young age. And I was spending Christmas by my Uncle…they had a big New Years party. Invited a good amount of people. Among them was a guy. He spent much of the night tickling me and my cousin…she was a couple years older. I’ve always wondered if he was doing more than just tickling. I could remember his hands getting closer to my breast each time. Touching me several times. Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was just the result of a little girl squirming as she was being tickled….I’m very ticklish. But why would a grown man spend most of a new year’s night tickling two little girls? We’ve mentioned it twice since then. I think we never told anyone, at least I haven’t. She says she never has either, but she’s a pathological liar…I don’t trust her. Then last Christmas, I went by my uncle again…Big birthday party for my younger cousin. And he was there. From the moment I saw him a cold thrill tickled down my body. And I asked my older cousin if that was him. She said yeah…another cold thrill, maybe even fear, slight weakness. I asked her if she thought it was anything more than tickling…she said no, he was probably just drunk. She’d never said no before, we were always never sure,
Maybe he was drunk…maybe it was nothing. But I cannot escape the question I asked before. Why would a grown man spend most of a New Years night tickling two little girls? He was not our uncle, or cousin, or family member, I’d never met him before. I remember him throwing me on the bed…in a very playful manner…I was on my back…he tickled vigorously, I laughed uncontrollably...twisting and turning…I assume there was touching.
Did no one notice that this guy paid a little too much attention to two little girls? Hmmm…Maybe not, maybe it was nothing, maybe he was drunk, maybe I’m over thinking.
A man I hadn’t seen in 9 years yet I still recognized. That had never happened before…me recognizing ppl I met when I was young (bad memory). I guess his face was stained in my memory. I wonder why…
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061021
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Chris aka
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hmm. Maybe it wasn't anything. Maybe it was. By the situation i can see how it could be something. But i am a firm believer that things aren't always what they seem. Nevertheless, maybe you should tell somebody close to you. maybe you should let it out.
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061021
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Christ without the cross
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I know about the feeling of loving someone no matter what. I have dreams about her. I see her almost everyday but so much space has come between us now. So much space has pushed us apart. She did it. i think i know why but it doesn't matter. If she needed me, i would be there for her.
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061021
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Infinite Luv
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I had him...you had her...maybe one day we could have each other.
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061021
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Infinite Luv
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i think that was a joke...
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061021
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Chris aka
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Who had who? What are you talking about?
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061021
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Infinite Luv
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lol...nothin, i'll explain it later...it was just a joke
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061021
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