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no reason
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it seems i'm more adept at figuring out what my emotions aren't exactly than what they actually are.
i had become used to the way things were becoming, and while i didn't like it, sometimes you just need to accept things to be able to keep them at all.
there was some improvement after some careful treading, but by then i had become so used to what i thought things had become that i couldn't let myself believe that they could ever go back to the way they had been for so long. and i could have been right, it's hard to say.
i'm pretty sure i changed things, though, and i was conscious of the possibility as i was doing it. yet i decided that this sort of deconstruction was needed. or that perhaps it wouldn't matter with the way things had been deconstructed already.
and maybe it was needed. or maybe it didn't matter. it's hard to say.
maybe it was more destruction than deconstruction.
maybe there isn't much of a difference in this case.
i'm pretty sure it was essentially my own denial that caused me to cause change, and for that i feel not_quite_regret, but something close.
i'm not sure if i hope that this is something or nothing.
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060613
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