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somewhere_along_the_way
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Risen
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Somewhere along the way I lost one of the most precious and rare things I have ever known.
When I considered the possibility of spending the rest of my life with her, of trying out the whole "what if" lifestyle, of Wales and the path less travelled... I couldn't see it. I didn't FEEL it.
I didn't feel the longing in my chest or the smile at the corners of my mouth. I didn't feel the part of my soul which used to listen for her echo stir. I felt nothing but a distant pang, a faint glow on the horizon where once a ball of fire seared its way across the heavens.
I would not trust her.
When I think about trying to be with her, I just don't think I could ever trust a single word she said. I would not trust her to be faithful. I would not trust her to tell the truth. I would not trust her with my heart. I would not trust any of it.
I do not trust her.
I do not believe her stories. I do not believe her lies. I do not believe that some things have changed, and I do not believe that some things have stayed the same. I have no reason to believe her. I have no faith.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my faith, my trust, and I do not miss it. Because that faith and trust brought hope, and that hope brought nothing but pain at the broken promises and the wasted time.
Somewhere along the way, I realised that I'd rather be alone without her.
Somewhere along the way I realised that I always was.
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141228
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unhinged
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i realized i was more emotionally invested than the situation warranted
again
and again and
again
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201202
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dafremen
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BOOM
*shot heard round the place*
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201204
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unhinged
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so i guess i should just close down my heart and act like being alone cuts it
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201204
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Risen
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If it helps at all, Unhinged, six years later I found someone who I can trust, completely. Who knows me, who gets me, and who accepts me just the way I am.
Never actually thought I'd not have to choose between "nice" and "interesting". Honestly, knowing both could be in the same person would probably have saved me a LOT of trouble over the years.
Turns out when it's real love, it doesn't hurt.
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201205
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unhinged
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after twenty years of bad relationships or wrong for me relationships....
i feel petulant and whiny these days so i won't repeat what i've already said around here countless times before
my winter cancer_of_the_mind is setting in hard and fast this year and my isolation is more complete than usual because of covid so...
i have no hope for the future. it is partially the buddhist in me, partially the intense depressive in me. the cycle of caring, caring for the wrong people, turning away from relationship because of being hurt, then being alone for so long i choose the first person that bats their eyelashes at me seems impossible to break other than just not engaging at all. hence the whole no hope for the future. i think maybe a lot of this is intensified by the pandemic but the seeds of it were in me before the pandemic. the spark of romance never leads to anything lasting for me.
but
my heart keeps catching
again
and again and again
the idea of dying alone is heartbreaking but rings depressingly true
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201205
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