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sorry_to_bring_the_gloom
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ivyducktwilightseto
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but I must unfortunately admit that I have once again fallen into this sea rife with my suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
except now its harder.
now i have much... much more to lose.
that is, if i don't succeed.
and as i sit here for these hours days and weeks on end, contemplaing a hundred new ways to bring about my own end, i think i am losing just as much anyway.
i could go on. i could tell you all the darkest dimensions of these thoughts. but what could i say about the world, everyone i know, or the one person i hate the most (guess who that might be) that i haven't said before?
so i shall sit. sit and stare into this dark abyss. hoping that maybe one day i might only become as such.
fucking college.
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080226
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blip
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why so glum? I used to feel similar things. I won't say "the same" because I can have no idea what demons lurk in your abyss. forgive me if you've gone into depth elsewhere. I'm quite new here.
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080226
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minnesota_chris
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college used to be such a time of hope. Now it's so expensive, it's a desperate gamble.
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080226
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Arwyn
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I have stared into that abyss, and I know little can comfort you. Just know that I am thinking about you, and hoping that this time you find a reason. Even if it's as silly as because you need one more fruit rollup. Sometimes that fruit rollup is worth it.
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080226
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Ouroboros
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I was feeling that in December- stress and feeling trapped/fear of no future was behind it. It passed when I made some life changes, but I feel for you. Stay safe, reach out, remember that it will pass (it always does, no matter how hard it gets)
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080226
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prolly it duz
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interesting observation, m_c. i wonder if that affects the quality of learning?
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080227
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falling_alone
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i knew exactly what you spoke of before it needed saying.
too often i've shared the same thoughts.
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080227
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phil
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"i think i am losing just as much anyway."
what is it you are losing?
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080228
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ivyducktwilightseto
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I can't really figure out a way to explain myself than to be quite to the point.
Much more to lose if I don't succeed - if i don't succeed in, well, killing myself, then I am going to lose a lot.
And losing just as much anyway; if i continue in this pattern, it doesn't really matter what I do.
But i'm not really in the mood for this right now. About 14 hours of sleep in a week is turning out to be a good idea.
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080228
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epitome of incomprehensibility
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I don't know if this will help at all, but I know it's hard to deal with a combination of abstract/existential and practical problems... it's like being attacked from different directions at once. I still find it helps to concentrate on something small, especially some small task to finish, like calling somebody or doing a chore.
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080229
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jane
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{no apology necessary, the gloom was already here}
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080229
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unhinged
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ever seen the movies nightwatch or daywatch ?
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080229
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jane
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i just watched them both actually, about 5 weeks ago
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080301
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unhinged
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i just bought both of them a couple of weeks ago and saw them both in the movie theater
i gotta find out when the third one comes out
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080301
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minnesota_chris
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I have been waiting to be a teacher for several years now, and it's looking like my school won't let that happen. If I can't find a better thing to do than teach, I will go on a hunger strike, until they let me teach or until I die.
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080408
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u24
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I love the bit in nightwatch where the crew falls into the nescafe mug. they should have got an oscar for best product placement for that one.
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080409
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u24
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um. that would be "screw", not crew... :)
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080409
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unhinged
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i think they are beautiful movies to watch and listen to in that dark kinda creepy russian way.
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080409
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