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Lady Lightness
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(blathe title borrowed from thejoyce_carol_oates novel)
When did this happen? How did this happen? When did my focus end up on sex, on relationship with a male counterpart? What happened to believing in myself, in putting energy into my life. Instead i find myself with this underlying notion that if I am loved, if I love, if I am in a loving and functional relationship, than everything else will fall into place in my life.
Yes, I can learn, see modeled lives and behaviors, but someone else's maturity, someone else's life all put together all the pieces and passions and goals and daily chores all put together- those do not rub off on me and become mine or my life.
I can wonder about E, marvel at his calm, his kindness. But why, why all this focus on the relationship? On wondering how he feels, on our chemistry- what about the rest of my life? What about who I am, what I want to do on this earth, or, what am I going to do now?
I focus on the relationship because it reaps good feelings- it has good benefits- it pays off well. And, I know how do to it- not how to have a functional loving balanced relationship with E, but how to focus on it. What I don't know is what to do about money, about career, about my_dreams.
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