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daf
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My dog was scrounging today. It's his guilty pleasure, you see. He thought noone was watching and so hopped up on the dining room chair.
Someone was watching. And now is the time for discipline...
If only you could see what I feel right now, you would know the depths of my conflict and my guilt...
This simple brute, seeking after his own pleasure broke the rules assigned to him and is now facing the consequences. I am little more than a beast myself..an animal that seeks after its own pleasures..sometimes in violation of the rules that govern the human heart (particularly when I think noone's watching.)
I am WORSE than a brute, for justifying my actions to myself...for placating my misgivings and affirming the logic of crimes committed against my very soul.
Like my dog, I have trembled with remorse, shaken with guilt and regret come the shadow of those consequences which comprise the earnings of my actions...how I have pleaded for mercy. And how mercy has been shown me time and again..unworthy though I am and may have been.
I am a hypocrite and a beggar. A hypocrite and a beggar every time I raise my voice or my hand against others in this way. What faculties does my dog have at his disposal that I do not? What advantage over me in the pursuit of rightness over pleasure? None. I am given the head start in this game, fail and am shown mercy daily. Who am I to judge and impose upon him for failing the test that I cannot pass myself with any consistency?
I raise my hand bringing tears, once more, welling up from that soul beneath the flesh. The hand is lowered for a moment in contemplation..
Why am I so quick to judge my actions simply because they are performed by another? Why is it so easy to mete out punishment and consequence when those heads they fall upon are not my own?
Shall I blame it on "policy" to absolve myself of all blame for my decisions?
Shall I say to myself that the rules explain how these atrocities are justified, though my heart cannot shake the pain?
Why does compassion end where justice begins anymore? Is there no longer any room for my truest nature?
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051007
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