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jane
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i thought about stepping into traffic today.
i haven't been this depressed in a while. i recognize it now for what it is: a desire to escape present circumstances. it's no longer an applicable diagnosis (probably). it's just the blues (probably). i thought i would turn to an old friend.
these pieces keep dripping down my hands, if i was made of glass they would ripple in rainbows. once i thought of breaking myself into a million points of light. i wanted to join the stars, orbit the earth along with Hunter S. Thompson's little posthumous spaceship.
i think i'm done with california. vibes here are more menacing than they used to be. or maybe it's because people feel inauthentic. i'm struggling with connections. i keep forgetting who i am. i keep hoping to find clues in other peoples' pockets, in between strands of other peoples' hair. kage let me brush his hair before i traveled to new_mexico. i looked there, too. perhaps blended in with the pinks.
what's the consensus on a preemptive_strike? do people split with their partner out of fear their partner will do it first? the second she mentioned incompatibility all i could think was that would have been nice to know about $87k ago. probably not that much, but sometimes it feels like that's how many liquidated assets i have thrown into this partnership in the past 12 years.
i wonder what i wrote about her before. if i wrote anything. is our history preserved in blue or red amber, like a mosquito with the DNA of prehistoric denizens contained within.?
what i know: she is beautiful. she is my person. i have removed her stinger countless times. i have only grown from this. we both deserve love. she tastes perfect. i am scared of her. she contains unmitigated anger. she is hard and i am soft. she needs someone hard. i have only softened over the years, and will most likely continue to do so.
may the sunset spark a green_flash.
may flowers blossom in the folds of our minds.
may she remember who i am, and who i can be.
always
never
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