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unhinged
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blather is well aware of my foibles. they have been spelled out here for over a decade. i have smoothed many of them over, learned how to control them, but they are still there. habits, tendencies, genetics.
i love my father. in many regards, i couldnt have asked for better. but his constant and vocal denial
of my depression as a medical condition has been far from helpful. it really isnt a matter of just doing something. (its been a long time since i let this shit stop me from doing things. the lingering shadow of those weeks of my undergrad where i did nothing but sleep, the months where i cultivated my scar_garden ... my current self cant allow that anymore)
my ways of self destruction are quieter now. the ways i inflict harm on myself are more subtle.
i think there is a cycle to it. when, how, why i get depressed. i think sometimes events or situations set it off. i think sometimes i can ignore it or dont notice it (which is probably a good thing).
i have a chronic illness that never goes away. admitting that to myself has been hard. i am currently in the midst of a severe fit of illness. when i was young i wouldve attributed it to him leaving me, not as a bout of illness. now i realize that being suddenly and deafeningly alone was just a trigger. maybe i couldve changed the relationship in such away that the end couldve grown into something other than what it is now. maybe i didnt want him to ever know this part of me.
i stumble through this thick black fog. it is beyond just doing something. but this too will pass.
(it has been a long time since i felt this bad)
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140801
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