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jennifer
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there's a part of me that is genuinely happy that you are in pain over this. there really is. it feels good that you know how much pain I am in.
and there's another part of me that wants you back so badly, it can't even function. a part of me that dies a little every day with the memory of you.
I think of you every day. I can't walk to work without thinking of you. I see a car like yours, a person who resembles you in some way, a song I hear. At work, they play "you'll be in my heart" every hour. I see you in everything I do and everyone I meet. and it kills me. It kills me that I relied on you for all my happiness for so long. I'm just now getting to the place in my life where I can rely on myself. I don't want to go back, and be happily hollow, only to be hurt again.
if there was some way, I could get assurance that I would not be hurt again, then I would take you back with open arms. but there is no such assurance. it's not your fault, it's not mine. but rational thought pays no heed to the desires of the heart.
I still think about the fight. yet, I still have a picture of you, framed and sitting on my computer desk. I think of every hateful word you said, and the words rumble around my brain. I also think of what I said to you. I knew when I said it, that those words would scar. But I had my reasons.
I'm finally learning to be happy, without someone helping me. I'm finally learning to be stable. I'm finally becoming me. I don't know if I can handle having you back in my life again. I don't know if I can handle such an emotional blow.
so, all I can say to you, is wait. I have to think about this. I can't afford to be hurt again.
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000710
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