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the needle and the damage done
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i joked about my urge to relapse and someone suggested i take the steps.
might work for some, but how am i gonna acknowledge or pray for serenity to a god i no longer believe in? so i trade back the opiate of the field for the opiate of the masses again?
fuck that.
How the fuck do i cop to the mantra of "one day at a time" when, hell, sometimes even twenty_four_hours is too far ahead when trying to keep whatever feeble, defective little fragment of wit i might profess to have is a minute-by-minute task?
to whom do i make my amends, the dead?
i did my best to insulate the living from my sins, my crimes and my disasters in those days, and i owe my accomplices nothing, just as i would debit them nothing on those accounts
Take inventory?
i am a catalogue of memory of places and moments in time, i count what blessings i am aware of and they don't balance out
Seek/pray to be free of the defects in my character: between the conflicting things that allegedy well-meaning people might tell me about whether or not or to what extent i am one defective bastard, this could be a perfectly circular attempt at chasing my own tail or constantly hoppiong from one foot to the next. I'm confused enough as it is, fuck that too.
moments of clarity are over-fucking-rated.
in fact it's those same moments when things become too clear that i become all the more willing to invite the monkey to resume his perch on my back
yeah, my name is birdmad
and though i've been clean for 12 years, one month, two weeks and 3 days... it doesn't chage one fact:
i'm a goddamned junkie, and if i knew where to find a sales-rep who would sell me as map of his route, i'd start chasing_the_dragon as soon as i could
there, i said it.
(existence?
well, what does it matter?
i exist on the best terms i can
the past is now part of my future
the present is well out of hand
heart_and_soul
one will burn)
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041210
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