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blue star
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So we're close... and I love you and you love me and it's the perfect friendship... cuz we respect each other, and we have common values, etc...
But I don't feel like you respect me, or like you value me for anything more than a backup friend when everyone else is busy. Added on to that, like most people, I'm pretty insecure about myself, but I'm mostly insecure about whether or not friendships are genuine. It's easy for me to imagine this whole elaborate plot where the whole world befriends me falsely just so they can make fun of what I do and say when I'm not around. Yes, this is arrogant, but it's what happens to insecure people.
My point is, this has happened to me before. And the friendship ended, quick and brutal. I had held in all the anger and the hurt and the indignation and the sadness until I couldn't anymore and that floodgate was impossible to close for the next year or so. I don't want that. I value your friendship, and I don't think that is something that should be lost if we can avoid it.
So my question is this: Do I hope and pray every day that it will go away(like I did the last time), or do I talk to you about it and risk misrepresenting myself and alienating you from me??
The problem is, I can't avoid you and think it out, because I see you every day, practically every hour. And we hang with some of the same people, and I don't think avoiding is the way to go anyway...
I don't know what to do... I'm so scared... I don't want to have to drag nicole into denny's again and sob into the table in front of everyone... and I definitely don't want to lose our friendship... so I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up and talk to you. So then what happens? I've decided I need to talk to you... when? we never hang out outside of school and there's nowhere that we can go that I can talk to you that nobody's going to interrupt... and I don't wanna drag you somewhere just so I can tell you how bad you make me feel sometimes... cuz that's fucked up... I don't know if it would even help... I just really know that if I don't say something it's gonna get worse, fast...
I hate it when this shit happens... this is off topic but it's so fucked up that as soon as I get close to someone I start getting really pissed off by everything they say to me, whether it's a real insult or offense or not... I don't know why it is... I'm not sure if it's the friends I gravitate towards or just me getting scared and paranoid... or maybe just growing apart?
If you took the time to read through all of this, I'm sorry for the ramblings... any suggestions are more than welcome...
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020222
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