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the_day_that_was_today
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peyton
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I had nothing to do today. I'd went to sleep feeling particularly horrible. Sometime in the early morning the phone rang, and it was her. (S.I.)
I was so tired, but I managed the conversation somehow. I'm not sure what was said. We talked about mundane things. She talked a lot about her. I listened. I stayed awake. I tried to genuinely listen.
At 8 a.m. she had to go and I went back to sleep.
She called back at 9. More of the same. I wasn't sure what to say, but I was happy to hear from her. She's nice to me.. genuinely nice. She has known real sorrow, but she is so light hearted. It it uplifting.
At 11 I told her I was going to get a shower, but instead I fell asleep again.
She called back at noon. I told her that I'd like to see her for lunch. She agreed. We had a very pleasant lunch date at a small italian restaurant. She looked very nice, and I remarked about how much shorter than me she was. (internally, only)
I had a good time. Things felt light. Not overbearing. She's doing me more good than she knows. She knows I'm moving in a few weeks and we'll never see each other again, but still she wants to see me.
"I just want to see you. I won't add anymore baggage to your pile. We'll have a good time, and that will be it."
Those are refreshing words to hear to a tired soul.
We went back to my apartment afterwards. Everything went very innocently. We talked and flirted, mostly. At three she had to go to work. I hoped she'd stop by afterwards, but I knew her daughter had a birthday tomorrow, so I figured she would not.
I played some WoW with some of my friends. We had a good time. It was like old times.
At nine p.m. galactica came on and I watched it alone. It was very good, like always. It's the best TV show I've ever seen.
At 10:30 she called me saying she was out of work and was going to pick up her daughter. She told me it was unlikely that she would be able to talk to me on Saturday, and I said that was fine because I had plans anyway.
It was so.. warm.. Considerate. It is exactly what I needed. Just a warm shoulder that knows what I need to hear. A little phone call to say "this is what I'm doing" and "this is why I can't speak to you, but I still want to".
Maybe she'll call Sunday. Maybe she won't. But she made today.. a good day. A reprieve. A cold wind on a hot day. For today, the sun went behind the clouds and I was comforted.
Since our relationship is so totally doomed, it bestows a beautiful freedom upon it. It is competiting with a ticking clock. I don't have to worry about strings and attachments, because she knows I'm leaving. She doesn't have to worry about someone clinging onto her life because she knows I am unable.
Condemned, but free. It's funny how people fit together, sometimes.
Good night.
And thank -you- for the hug, back. It meant a lot. I felt a touch through the impenetrable blue universe. Icing on the cake, I say.
The air is much lighter, today. I will breath deeply.
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050819
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unhinged
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the only time i have relationships is when i'm leaving in a short enough time to nullify the seriousness of anything that might happen
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050820
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peyton
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The first thing I remember is John calling me. It was noon, exactly, and I was sleeping.
I forget exactly what he was talking about. When people call and wake me up I usually have no memory of the call. I hope it wasn't anything important. I do remember him saying that he wanted to do something this week, and he sounded like he meant it. That's all I remember.
I hopped online and hung out with the clan for most of the day. We played some Battlefield and then Scott ran one of my lowbie characters through several dungeons in WoW.
I cooked myself Chicken & Rice, with the chicago marinade.
S.I. didn't call. I didn't expect her to. I'm half-heartedly hoping she'll call tomorrow, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I know she really adores her children.
I talked to S.A. online and it was nice to have a civil, friendly conversation. It makes me happy when we can get along.
I suppose we are finally getting along.
Today was plain and thin. But it was another day in my life.
I'm hoping N.C. will get our forums fixed soon.
I'm hoping my medical appointment will go well on Monday. Monday will be a busy, busy day. And then, it will all be over. The waiting and uncertainty will hopefully come to an end. The book will finally be shut this career and this lifestyle.
And I will face the world without a screen.
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050821
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peyton
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I woke up very early compared to my previous days. It was around seven or so.
I got a shower. My cell phone showed no calls. I had a coffee. The apartment was warm already with the rising morning heat.
For the last time, I put on a uniform.
I drove to work. My former boss shook my hand. He signed a piece of paper.
A pretty personnelist had me sign my final piece of official paperwork. I asked her "Is there anything else the military needs from me?"
She said, "Yes. It needs you to go home."
And just like that, it was over.
I drove home, feeling out of place already. I took off my uniform. I tossed it in a pile. I looked in the mirror. I looked normal.
I took a moment and told it all goodbye.
I called S.I.. She didn't sound too happy to hear from me. We made idle chatter for a little while, and she said she had to go to eat lunch with her daughter and then go to work. She asked me what I was going to be doing the rest of the day. I was ashamed that I had nothing to tell her but the truth.. that I had no plans. I'm sure she inferred that she was the last social tunnel I have left here. She suggested she might call or stop by.
It's 11:24 p.m. She never did. I'm telling myself that's okay. Because it is. Right?
Scott did stop by this afternoon. I was glad. We had lunch at Fridays. The food was good but the service was lousy. We talked about girls that were too pretty for us. "Out of our league" was the term we used. We didn't talk about many things meaningful.
Life is shrinking, and I can feel the air running out.
I'm going to take several hundred dollars of my savings and go live in a casino for a week. I'll gamble and drink and submerge. I won't breathe. I'll save my precious air supply. I will prolong the inevitable.
Allen says I will do very well back home. He says he sees promising and bright things in my future.
He doesn't see me. I'm not smart enough. I'm not tall enough.
I'm just not pretty enough.
My brother still won't return my calls. M.D. still talks about her boyfriend even though I don't write back.
Steph didn't call even though she said she would. I wonder how her life in West Virginia is doing.
I feel so below.
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050822
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peyton
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A blur.
I'm still a little drunk.
The first thing I remember is John calling at noon. I was asleep. He said tonight was the night for dinner. I agreed.
I feel back asleep until two.
I woke up. I played some games with the group. I scheduled things for tonight. I informed them I would not be around.
John called promply at five, like he said he would. That's so refreshing.
We got wings. Fifty of them. We drank beer and watched really bad reality TV. I drank and drank, and so did he. We got quite drunk. We talked about his ex-wife and his current girlfriend. We talked about days gone by. We talked about poker and how soon he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. We talked about my upcoming trip to Seattle.
He said he'd make a card game for me.
Though he's been horrible at times, John really is beautiful when he's friendly to me.
The group won without me.
I'm still drunk.
I'm very alone.
Life is so cold.
I'm afraid of the next room.
It's so cold.
I called.
She didn't answer.
It's all over.
I am so
utterly
alone.
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050823
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Twitch
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No you arent.
I hereby ask for your friendship.
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050823
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unhinged
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hanging on the edge of the precipice
chances are you'll right yourself rather than fall over the edge
but i know
hanging on that edge gets damn lonely
i won't tell you to cheer up
cause i want to kick people in the face
that tell me to cheer up
i'm_just_sayin
chances are you'll right yourself
as a friend would say
keep your chin up and your powder dry
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050823
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peyton
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12:24
It was quite a morning. S.I. called at 0600. I think it was the first thing she did. She woke me up.. it occured to me that people are always waking me up.
No.. that isn't right. Let me start over and catch you up a bit.
I went to Seattle. Things went well. Better than expected. We finished second in a tournament we had no idea we were going to be competiting in. I drank a little bit. I had some interesting conversations. I met a girl named Vanessa on the flight to St. Louis. She was very kind and was my age. She almost held my hand to get me through the flight because she knew how terrified I was. Another day and another place, perhaps. But Scott snapped a quick picture and that was it. I hope she has a loving and pleasant life. I am grateful for meeting a kind person.
The trip was fine. It was nothing monumental, except it showed me that my type of culture isn't that pretty to look at up close. But, I met many friends, so things are okay.
I nearly died on the way home. The crosswinds were horrendous upon approach to Little Rock due to Katrina. I was mortified. Some nice older lady across the aisle kept asking me questions and talking to me because I think she thought I was about to lose it. She was partly right. It was very terrifying.
So, S.I. said she wanted to stop by this morning, so she called at 0600 to confirm. And she did.
We didn't do anything really. We didn't make it to breakfast, like we were planning on. I can tell she really is becoming sad that I am leaving. But I am and have been as honest with her as possible. But when I leave this state it is unlikely I will see her again.
I talked to L-J today. The situation there is still quite the enigma. I'm not sure how to tell her that I am very interested in hearing her story.. the details of where she's been and where she is going. I'm not sure if she really likes me or is interested in me at all, in any kind of regard. I feel quite lost in the situation.. awkward almost. That doesn't happen to me very often. I hope that it just doesn't fizzle away, but those are the risks we take in life.
C.H. wrote me an e-mail. I haven't talked to her in years. I hope things are well with her. I wonder what she thinks of me.
I watched about half of the opening miniseries of Galactica. It's a really awesome story.. and very sad.
I'm not sure why I am attracted to such deep and tragic things. Simple and bright things don't touch me like things like that.
I hope that I am not just truly sad and only happy when it rains.
My head is still askew from all the flying and time changing. I wonder what will happen when reality catches up and all this slams against the windshield.
I really do miss you. I think about you everyday. I hope someday I will find that piece of me that is missing. It is my desperate and all consuming hope that one day this is just an archive.
I love you so much. You have no idea how empty this feels.
good night
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050830
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peyton
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another mark
another scare
another.. day.. i know not where you came from
discontent
razing winds whistle
rome burns
and
there is no way
i'm writing back
ashes
because like she told me
God is love
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050831
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