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continuous ache
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it feels as if i've chosen death...
as if i am pulling myself by the hair [like that scene in fight club], kicking and screaming towards eternal quiet. there are so many little things in life that make me smile, but it's all mechanical. i'm just programmed to smile in all the right places, that's all. and all the things in life that could make me genuinely happy are unreachable, unattainable. i have disappointed everyone i have ever tried to please, and everyone who has ever graced me with love has quickly taken it back. i have done nothing to make myself memorable to the world. Life is dull and drags ceaselessy on. It just keeps ticking by, useless second by useless second. The scenery changes, but the story is the same. I am tired of this. I am not in control of myself. I cannot stop myself from feeling certain things or acting upon them. It seems unfair to give human beings all the freedom of a king in a jail cell. I fear ever bringing a child into this world. I would feel so guilty every time he/she watched a loved one rot in a hospital bed or get killed by some careless driver. Everytime that child shed a tear, it would drive me mad. Happiness is all well and good, but it doesn't last. AND happiness is not as whole as sadness. Sadness has a way of eating your entire mind and heart completely. When your closest friend dies, can you feel any joy? Nothing in this world could take away that incredible ache. Nothing numbs it, nothing helps. But when you're happy because you got the job you've dreamed of having for years, you can still feel sorrow because your wife just left you. So you see, we got cheated. And we're not talking about the guy that fucked up your change at the convenient store either. We got MAJORLY ripped off. Where does the concept of 'good' always prevailing come from anyway? 99% of our lives are spent watching Evil kick Good's ass around the playground, so what the fuck? Maybe I'm just a bitter little girl crying because she's not getting her way, but I think I just might have something here.
Along that thread, what is evil? Is the word 'fuck' evil? If there is a Supreme Being, are they sitting around all day cringing about all the 'fucks' that come out of our mouths? I don't think so. 'Fuck' is a word made evil by society. It could have just as easily been,
"Hey, why don't you go sheep yourself!"
....or plant, cup, door,whatever.
Baby could've meant shit, and doctor could have meant insanity. Who knows what prompted the crackheads that first formed language.
Who can say that different religions are wrong? Why is Christianity right but Hinduism isn't? Was the world connected when man first came about? Our languages are different because we didn't have world contact to form a universal one. Wouldn't that sort of explain different religious beliefs? If you were raised your entire life to believe that the sky was blue and you met some wacko one day who was convince it was fuschia, would you believe him? No, you'd just think he was a wacko. His explanations might make sense, but who the fuck cares? Religion is just another reason to argue, and we all know the world loves to argue.
As far as I'm concerned, if it's better than this, I'll take death. The only thing that's keeping me here is that uncertainty. Death could be worse.
Guess I'm stuck.
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