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passed_through_their_moment
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kss
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I rounded the corner and there they were. She stood, leaning back against the wall. chin raised, eyes closed, face relaxed. her mouth was slightly open, the expression of calm, near sleep. He stood facing her, close but not coverin, her legs between his. He reached up, hand touched the side of her face, guiding hair back into place, fingers brusing olive skin, a light tracing , caressing. just as I passed he leaned in, slightly bending his neck, bringing his face to hers, on cupping her face. without any other movement, eyes closed, her mouth changed ever so slightly, ready to accept the kiss. and then I was past.
I saw this moment as I walk to work today, and I'm not sure how I feel.
Partly, I am privileged. To witness this private moment, an accidental peek into the silent bond of lovers.
Also, to have felt that light and warmth myself, to have breathed another's air and felt them solidly inhabiting my word.
Another part is frustration. I'm about 10,000 miles from there, facing a trek across craggy moutains and a desert monotony. Sometimes I feel like I'm moving in the opposite direction.
ah, well. I wonder what's for lunch?
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021011
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dax
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me?
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021011
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kingsuperspecial
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hey, let's not kid around about this lunch thing. I've all but begged you people, and nobody seems to think I'm serious. It's getting so I *like* microwaving leftovers.
the just go around and around and around and around and ...
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021011
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kss
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also, we should clarify.
are you going to be *for* lunch
or *at* lunch. if you are *for* lunch, what will you taste like? if you are *at* lunch, where do you want to go.
either way, it's my treat
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021011
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dax
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AT lunch, and I Am serious, we just can't seem to get it together
where, I don't know. downtown makes my head spin so I avoid it usually when choosing places to eat, but it'd be a good way for me to find out about places down there. So just let me know ferchrissakes and I'll hop on the N line at the designated time.
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021011
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xadle
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Everyone great once and awhile, I feel I'd like to get together to figure something out, or resolve something. (I think we already did that, maybe.) But the more time that passes, the hazier it gets, whatever it was that happened, and I'm not even sure what it is that's left to resolve.
My most poignant memories are the tragically regretable acts I performed. I tend to think that the fact that I'm no longer prone to performing such acts is probably more meaningful than any apology could ever be (and I'm pretty sure I already apologized, back when I was still capable of a repeat performance.)
I don't know who you are or what you're capable of anymore. I hope you're no longer sad. I hope you've found peace. Maybe you could just post a sign, a picture: "I am well."
It's more than over now.
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120929
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.
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punched through like a bullet
desperate to have left mark
and be done
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120930
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unhinged
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he has another life now
someone else to focus the bad choices, neuroses on
i've always had a hard time with change
and learning how to let_it_all_go
i texted him in the middle of the night
our long_distance_love
had picked up steam in recent months
and i was lonely
she's young and insecure
battered_woman_syndrome
part of me would feel sorry for any woman
that would wear scarves in 90 degree weather
she flipped over my message
i don't need to be a point
in that triangle
(i couldn't stop for my own good
but maybe i can out of respect for someone else)
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121001
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me
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tap tap tap... uh
is this thing on?
NOTHING VENTURED == NOTHING GAINED
lol ^ that's a recurring question reflection
lapping the sun is causes exmausted weights loss lates wedding dates *hates* are gone
slates are clean now
intertwined debts
regrets
BABIES! fucking babies
the slow bleed of damage done
OH MY GOD
insecurities and real trauma demand isolationism
adding to regrets
deeply forgiven good things not forgets
permanent changes carried with me
and so many tender and hilarious moments
shine inside me like fragments of diamond
woven into a silk with salt water
besides
in the end
it's main about kittens
I mean
who doesn't love kittens?
please be well
well to that one person
a shining beautiful self
that is missed
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160422
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xorf
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I don't know if this is real, but it's satisfying, like a horoscope that fits an already intact internal narrative.
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190819
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unhinged
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passing_through_their_moment
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190820
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me
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There's a lot I don't remember anymore, probably because I don't have any cause to remember, and my brains are usually all full of everythingthatishappeningrightnow. And, oh my, right now always seems to be a lot. Currently aghast at having progeny whose hand size and verbal sparring abilities threaten to overtake my own at any moment. Full throttle into my bazillionth career change. Taking larger steps away from the deep well of assholery with an even better therapist. Using a calculator to figure out that I've been in a committed relationship for 16 years (!).
But sometimes, like now, when everything seems to be changing and I'm shuffling around the dusty old scrapbooks of my mind, I get snapshots of the Way Back When.
Sitting on your couch watching #1 Cat do acrobatic flips. Waking up without you there, putting on some Morphine and taking a shower with #1 Derp, feeling weird about being there but enjoying the dream of having an apartment all to myself (still a dream). Somewhere in the distance I can still hear your laugh, and feel a twinge of validation from having tickled your brain. "I love you but I'm not *in* love with you" Waiting in the dimly lit office full of sad ladies for you to pick me up, too sedated and heartbroken to be angry. Laying back on the hot pavement in between tall buildings on your lunch break and noticing a frighteningly intense and possibly premature sense of connection to a stranger I found on the internet. Slumped on my kitchen floor, tangled up in a twirly phone cord, a face full of snot and tears, desperately trying to convince you not to stop before we could start.
For many years I winced at that last memory whenever it flew by. Embarrassed. In an attempt to avoid the discomfort, I tried out a lot of assessments of the situation that left me dissatisfied. Finally landed on compassion for us both. There was such a deep desire for love and connection, but our shared history of dysfunctional role models left us unprepared to get what we wanted. Not so different from anyone else, after all.
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220828
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