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xedal
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I'm not very sure about the correct procedures for starting and ending relationships. For the most part, these things just keep happening to me. I've declared more than a few times that I was done with someone, but I've always changed my mind after a few hours, days, or weeks.
The closest I got to officially breaking up with someone, was excruciating (and only for me, I think) I thought about it for months and months. I wasn't sure. We weren't having big fights or anything. I just kind of didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. But I wasn't certain. Finally, after what should have been a very lovely weekend away, I decided to end it.
We went out for dinner. My insides were churning. I wasn't sure when or how to start. We had some pleasant conversation over food. Finally I said something to the effect of, "So we've been trying to improve our relationship for awhile now, and I think it hasn't really been working." I waited for agreement. "So maybe..." and I just couldn't say it. He filled in the blank: "...we should stop trying." And so it was, entirely amicable.
We agreed to still be friends, to still have physical affection, but then we stopped hanging out for awhile. In the years following, we've seen each other semi-frequently at social events and been friendly. Occasionally we hang out just us. And that's been harder than I imagined. Sometimes it would feel like we were working too hard to avoid an argument over something insignificant. Other times it would be too good, and the feelings of connection led to a desire to express affection physically. But I haven't, and I don't give away that I'm thinking about it, because it feels like that's what I'm supposed to do. Presumably unwanted kisses pile up until we part ways.
Here and there we've talked about the awkwardness, and as the years pass it lessens. I don't consider it a problem that needs to be dealt with. But it does make me think. If this is the best I can do with trying to be friends with an ex (non-dramatic relationship, non-dramatic break up) then it must be for the best that I'm not friends with most of my ex's. At least, it would be reasonable if I believed that.
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