|
| |
george_carlin
|
|
|
birdmad
|
"Of course one of the things i always hated was losing stuff, especially when i was a kid. I'd lose something and go up to my mom to tell her that i had lost something and she'd always say 'Well, where did you have it last?'
well, hell. if i knew that it WOULDN'T BE LOST!
and she'd always follow that with 'Well it didn't just get up and walk away' and that always pissed me off.
One day. I lost the cat...It just got up AND WALKED AWAY, i even caught her on that one:
'Hey ma!, I lost the cat'
'Well it didn't just get up and--'
'Ah HAH!'
Maybe if there really is a heaven, when we die, we get back all the stuff we ever lost at some sort of place like a lost-and-found desk, you know?
'*Three-thousand-seven-hundred-forty-two ball point pens;
*eight-hundred-and-ninety-three pairs of sunglasses;
*twelve-hundred-fifty-two disposable lighters;
*six hundred loose socks
*claim check for the balloon room, third door down on your right;
*oh, and here's a good one, a jockstrap found by the side of the interstate covered with mule hoof-prints and chocolate sprinkles, we're not real sure about that one, but we're gonna guess that it must have been one Hell of and evening."
----------------------------------------
I'm here tonight to talk about something that no one else has had the courage to discuss we've heard about battered wives, even battered husbands (which is usually where the man is real little and the woman is real big and they both drink about a quart of whiskey a day) battered children and even battered pets, but there is a cycle of abuse out there that nobody will admit to and no one will talk about...Battered Plants, think about it, you know it's true, look at some of the things we put plants through, like HANGING PLANTS...how do we know they're not afraid of heights...it's no wonder ivy clings! ...and then there is the ultimate plant abuse, putting plants in the bathroom...they HATE that.
--------------------------------------
got into a little argument with my Rice Crispies this morning...I distinctly heard "Snap! Crackle..Fuck Him.."
----------------------------------------
|
080624
|
| |
... |
|
|
dafremen
|
"You need a little danger in your life. Take a fucking chance once in awhile, will ya? What are you gonna do? Play with your prick for another 30 years? What? Are you gonna read people magazine and eat at Wendy's until the end of time? Take a fucking chance!
..but I also know that most Americans are soft, and frightened and unimaginative and they don't realize that there's such a thing as dangerous fun. And they certainly don't recognize a good show when they see one.
..Far as I'm concerned..all of this airport security...all of the searches, the screenings, the cameras the questions..it's just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you that they can FUCK WITH YOU any time they want. As long as you put up with it. Which means, of course..any time they want. Cuz that's what Americans do now. They're always willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling..the ILLUSION of security.." - George Carlin
I'll miss you like you'll never know, George.
|
080624
|
| |
... |
|
|
SleepieCloud
|
"Always do whatever's next."
I guess I gotta believe it. Wish I didn't.
|
080624
|
| |
... |
|
|
Doar
|
"So what will your epitaph be?"
"He was here just a minute ago."
.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
provider of nookie
|
GEORGE CARLIN ON THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
from "Complaints and Grievances" (HBO special)
Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?
You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:
About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.
Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.
Let's start with the first three:
I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN
THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH
Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:
HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER
Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.
Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL
THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS
Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.
And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:
THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE
Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.
But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS
This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:
THOU SHALT NOT KILL
Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:
Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.
&
Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.
Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
Don't sweat the petty_things and don't pet the sweaty things.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
I_have as much authority as_the Pope, I_just don't have as many people who believe_it.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
I recently went to_a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I_felt better right_away.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
I_went to_a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She_said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
Some_people see things that are and ask, Why? Some_people dream of things that never were and ask, Why_not? Some_people have to go_to work and don't have time for all that.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
When Thomas_Edison worked late into the_night on_the electric light, he had to do_it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
oren
|
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on_the toilet eating a chocolate candy_bar.
|
080625
|
| |
... |
|
|
god
|
the very existence of flame throwers
|
080626
|
| |
... |
|
|
ever dumbening
|
how do you know you don't like it if you haven't even tried it?
...
it came to me in a dream.
|
080626
|
| |
... |
|
|
h|s|g
|
time
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY30gWY10Fw&feature=related
|
110320
|
| |
... |
|
|
in a silent way
|
"if you love someone, set them free. if they come home...set them on fire."
|
130201
|
| |
... |
|
|
D
|
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
|
130201
|
| |
... |
|
|
D
|
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
|
130201
|
| |
... |
|
|
D
|
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
|
130201
|
| |
... |
|
|
D
|
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
|
130201
|
| |
... |
|
|
paris meltin
|
"I think Americans have some difficulty dealing with reality and have invented a kind of 'soft language' to protect themselves. And this tendency to euphamize, if that's a verb, increases, it seems, with every generation.
Here's an example. There's a well-known condition in combat when a fighting man's nervous system has been stressed to the breaking point and he's either snapped or is ready to snap. In the first World War, that condition was known as 'shell shock'.
Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables. Shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves.
That was over eighty years ago.
Then an entire generation passed, and in the second World War, the very same combat condition was called 'battle fatigue'. Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn’t seem to hurt as much. 'Fatigue' is a nicer word than 'shock.'
SHELL SHOCK!
Battle fatigue.
Then we had Korea. 1950. Madison Avenue was riding high. And the very same combat condition was called 'operational exhaustion'. We're up to eight syllables now, and the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. It's absolutely sterile. Operational exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car.
Finally, of course, there was Vietnam, and given the lies surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called 'post-traumatic stress disorder.' Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen, and the pain is now completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder.
I'd be willing to bet that if if we'd still been calling it 'shell shock', some of those Vietnam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed, at the time they needed it. But it didn't happen. And one of the reasons, I'm sure, is because of that soft language; the language that takes the life out of life. And it does keep getting worse over time."
(at The National Press Club, 1999)
|
130402
|
