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elimeny
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im always putting my best foot forward.
im such a perfectionist. "be more cheerful jessica. dont let anyone see you down. be charming. be witty."
and in the back of my head, this is what has screamed at me ever since you...
"but whatever you do, dont get attached."
and he will look at me and apologize, saying hes not interested.
and being jessica, ill laugh and smile and say "okey dokey!"
because its okay, ill be okay.
and this one will look at me, and he will have captured all that he wants about me, and he will want to have me. and i will have to smile and gently tell him i dont want him to have me.
i dont want you. i dont know why. or you, or you, or you. i dont know what i want.
i wanted joe, but for some reason i let that rejection really get to me. and i dont know why. i guess that he was someone i was willing to go out on a limb for. and i was turned away. and maybe its just subconscious.. this way that i back away. and i just want everyone to leave me alone sometimes.
im just having a moment. another fucking moment.
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030113
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