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endless desire
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there is this mentally retarded girl at my school.
heidi.
and i was walking to buy a cookie--
something i do quite regularly because they are very tasty--
it was very early.
and the air still had that crisp feeling to it.
a few boys
around a table
and the retarded girl
in her JROTC outfit
was yelling at them.
its always provoked.
the poor girl is always provoked.
because of course it is funny to provoke the retarded girl.
ha_ha_ha
and she started telling them
"fuck off" she screamed
"you are all fucking stupid"
"fuck you all"
"shut up" she yelled at their laughter
"go to hell"
madness filled her eyes
the eyes that could not focus
not on a single thing
and as she screamed at them,
she stared off to the left.
her mouth hanging helplessly,
because she has such little control.
her arms dangle and swing as she screams.
and i wonder where she stares,
as she focuses off into the distance.
and why.
and where she is inside.
if there is a part of her
that understands what is going on
but cannot escape.
we all have that part of us. . .
that cannot escape.
my retarded soul, heart, mind.
and understand, that thats probably why i felt so awful
because so much of me wanted to save her.
wished i could save her. help her escape.
we all need to escape,
i need to escape. i understood being trapped.
was she trapped in there?
behind something so much stronger than emotions?
i do anything to pull her out.
she is trapped behind something she will
never comprehend.
and that i can never save her from.
though i desperately wish i could.
and she swore
and the boys laughed
and there was nothing i could do.
she learned those words from them
and she does not know better.
and it happens everyday.
everyday they taunt her.
if i had stopped her,
she would have only continued,
but towards me.
i should have stopped her.
but it would have broke my heart
for her to scream at me.
and i just could not be there any longer.
i never did buy that cookie.
and it kills me to think that
the_retarded_girl_swears.
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030604
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